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Thursday, August 27, 2009


People are crazy.

I'm not talking haha-that's-funny-you-so-crazy crazy either.

I'm talking get-away-from-me-you-psycho-raving-wack-a-do-you-are-CRAZY! crazy.

Somehow, people in both of the above mentioned groups get jobs.

Go figure.

I was at work the other day. Minding my own business while attempting to find something worthy of stuffing my face with.

I found myself in the most unlikely place to satisfy such a need: the work cafeteria.

Everyone has had an experience with the "crazy cafeteria lady".

It's like a given that any reasonably sized, hair net requiring establishment be equipped with such an individual.

You know, like the Seinfeld soup Nazi dude.

Well, my place of occasional employment has one (actually, we get the unique privilege of having like three) of these avoid-at-all-costs-make-your-choice-and-get-out-quick-when-she's-in-the-back type people.

Funny thing, is that she's not necessary to avoid at all times, just most of the time. But, if you can catch her on the right day, at just the right time, under the right re-warming lights, and just the right amount of grease fire exhaust, she's really not so bad.

I mean, other than the fact that I'm pretty sure she swallowed a bullhorn (or some other type of unnatural voice amplification device), she can be down right nice. And, funny.

But, I guess I caught her on an off day.

Or, maybe I caught her on an on day.

Either way, it was a bad day for me when I approached the counter (with an audience of waiting patrons behind me) and before I could decide between the chicken ala nasty a** and the country fried surprise she says (in her loudest Redskins' stadium announcer voice), "Hey, Girl, where you gets that mustache?!"

I mistakenly assumed that a) she wasn't talking to me, and/or b)that if she were, then, at the very least, that was a rhetorical question not requiring my response.

I was incorrect.

And, instead of taking a cue from my horror-stricken-OMG-please-say-you-are-kidding face and moving on she continued with, "Yeah, Girl, I sees it. You has a big ole mustache! Oh, dat's funny."

Seriously, I'm dying here lady, and the fact that you're smiling like an effing Cheshire cat doesn't make it better, it only makes it worse because I'm not sure if you're being intentionally evil or if you're really just that unintentionally stupid.

Either way. Not. Cool.

But, she can't stop. Even though I am essentially dumbstruck into an unnatural frozen silence, she goes on, "Dat's cute. I gots me one too, lookit. Mines is just like yours, all dark. Dat's cool. What chu want to eat?"

No ma'am. It most certainly is not cool.

And, you having one doesn't make it okay, it makes it suck even more.

And, when did my personal appearance become an approved topic of discussion for the hair netted, gingham printed shirt wearing, plastic glove clad set? Is nothing sacred?

And, don't try to hustle me through the line now with your smiling, mustached face.

I hate you and your nasty, a** flavored chicken.

As my fellow cafeteria patrons snickered and/or laughed out loud I proceeded to get the pudding and slink back to my unit, but not before she attempted to engage me a conversation about my kids and whether I'd like to put them in a dance crew which apparently only requires the skill of looking cute, while dancing skill is totally unnecessary (just let me leave).

Thing is, I'm totally aware of my "situation" and I'm used to having the crazy nail shop ladies trying to upsale me on a lip wax when I go in for a brow shape up. You know, that's cool, that's their job, and they at least wait until we're in that dingy back room with the door shut and only the dirty pillow to hear their heavy handed suggestions.

I get it. I need my lip waxed and I've done it before, but it hurts like hell and I always look like Marge Simpson afterward so I try not to do it that often.

But, apparently, it's gotten out of hand, to the point that nonprofessionals are getting involved.

So, in answer to the beauty consultant turned cafeteria maven and Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop for the week, here is my favorite summer craft: Making Homemade Face Wax!

Ingredients: sugar, honey, corn syrup, lemon juice (not sure how much of each, but I guess we want it to be sticky)

Directions: Microwave ingredients until they melt together, but don't boil. Add a little lemon juice and stir while it's hot to add a cleansing quality (some mumbo jumbo about lemon acid killing bacteria, yeah, right). Once cool, powder the area you will wax, then spread the wax across the area. Use a cloth to remove the wax or pull it off with your fingers when it dries.


Hair free awesomeness.

And, since she more than deserves it. Here is this week's Thank You Thursday card.

Thank you, and you're welcome!

Card reads: Pretty sure you can see it this week. No explanation required.


{Kiki} said...

Great post. I have never had relationships with any cafeteria workers. I wish I had. Think of all the free fashion and beauty advice I missed out on. Your post reminded me of an episode of SNL when Chris Farley played the lunchlady to Adam Sandler's lunch lady song. HI.Larious. I will have to try that wax. I buy Poetic wax, but yours is easier, cheaper, and super yummy. Take care.
p.s.- I wrote about my crush for WW over at my other blog, The Babble Bubble.

Jennifer said...

It's amazing the amount of people out there that lack a filter for their mouth...I've had my share of cafeteria ladies too. Good luck :)
*I'll have to try the wax!*

The Mrs. said...

I never know if I should be amazed or jealous that some people just speak without thinking. I often go for a combo of the two. But really... some people should not be allowed in public without a babysitter. or a disclaimer.

Keyona said...

Funniest post I've read all week. OMFG! I can so picture her too being all loud. "I got one too!" LOL!

Juls said...

Oh my. I can so relate to this...but my mom and not a cafeteria worker lady is the one who likes to point out my "issues" in public... Great post. You're so funny!

Tammy Howard said...

Ok, wait, what?, whoa. That is - that is seriously out of control.

As for the home remedy - I'm ascared... I might try it though.

Emmy said...

Awesome post! Some people really do just need to mind their own business. I have found the same crazy types checking me out at grocery stores.

A Real Housewife said...

your nail salon must be one of those classy establishments. at mine, they yell LOUDLY across the packed room, "Leeep? You need Leeep wax??"

Jennifer said...

Oh.My.God. I'm not even sure how I would have responded, but I would have probably slit her tires and then tried to get her fired.

Lee said...

I so feel your pain! Both with the lip wax and also with the cafeteria lady. But, you made me laugh my a** off this morning!

Jenni said...

Oh you are funny! I hope you sent her that little note for real. Maybe someone will point her this direction. Either way I have been entertained. I love how the whole story built up to the recipe for face wax! It reminded me of Daria's Local Entertainment Guide here in Portland. It cracks me up every time.

LucyCooper said...

Wow. That feels good. I love it when people point out to me that I have a mole above my eyebrow, but they say, "Hey, you've got some marker on your face."

ck said...

My mouth is still agape.

If that were me I'd probably spend the next week dreaming up retorts, Constanza-style.

confused homemaker said...

I would have just burst into tears, called her names, and sing that song by Adam Sandler about the Lunch Lady.

The Crazy Suburban Mom said...

OH. MY. GOD. People are so out of it...I mean do they spend their whole lives with no social skills or is it something that happens over time?

First I gotta say...You are one strong gal.

Bravo. I would have hit her with a spoonful of chicken ala king


Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Don't worry girl. I've got a beard. That's even weirder (girl-wise) than a mustache. :)

angie said...

She didn't. She sucks. Hard core. Seriously. How cool to have a recipe to combat my moustache. :)

Sophia's Mom said...

You are so brave!
I would have cried... cuz i'm a big cry baby.

I too am a pround owner of a "lady mustache" but I am too afraid to wax it... I bleached it once and that just made it look worse. You could see it glimmering under the sun :)

as for your homemade wax, I'm not sure i will use it, although I would dunk some ice cream in there...

Aleta said...

OMG- I can't believe she did that. But it MIGHT have been a "good day" for her, because she was relating to you? Yikes! Ummm make sure you don't have to do lunch there again!!!

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh my gosh. I can't even imagine that. I have so many body hair issues it would make you cry.... : )
I would never be brave enough to try to remove anything on my own though. I am not as cool as you : ).

I hope you don't have to see her for a very long time!

blueviolet said...

I can't believe how rude that was! Some people have absolutely no sense of what's appropriate or not.

Anonymous said...

Um, wow. It sounds like you need a few zingers in your arsenal for such occasions. At least it's not your little brother pointing out your mustache.

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

I would rather puke in some tinfoil and eat it than get my lip waxed, yet I wax other people's lips every day!

Barely Domestic Mama said...

Wow. I cringed the whole way through. That lady is a slight bit crazy. You are so freakin' awesome to continue through the line. I probably would've started sobbing. I hate arguing with the nail ladies that I do not want a lip wax - thanks Latina genes - (I'm too afraid to mess with that whole area), but to have someone yell that out loud in front of crowd of people...bless you for not cussing her out.

Merry Mack said...

OMG! I am laughing my a** off. I am sad for your 'situation' but I love your crafty removal. I am so sad for your public humiliation but your thank you letter is perfect. I also thought of Adam Sandler's lunch lady (I believe there is a video). I can't stand the nail ladies up-sale and I have blogged about it myself. I just wonder what made that lady feel like her thoughts needed to be said out loud?

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

Can't believe how rude cafeteria lady was! I guess I'm starting one too because a kid in my Sunday School asked me "Why do you have a mustache?" I think he really wanted to know so I just said because I'm old and that seemed to satisfy him. Mine is not too dark yet so not real noticeable. I was sitting right next to him so it was probably the first time he noticed it.

Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest Day!

Elizabeth said...

Wow, that's awful! But it still cracked me up, so thank you for that! Happy Saturday Sharefest, SITSa! :) I always do love your blog, but somehow I missed this post!

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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