Dear Brat on the Bus,

Please do not immediately take offense with regards to the introduction. I thought of using another B word that was a little more harsh, but changed my mind in an effort to take a less abrasive, more child friendly approach.

I am done with that.

So, listen up, Toots.

I heard you have some beef with my boy.

With his man-stache in particular.

Let me state, for the record, that he has no control over the fact that he has unintentionally grown into a 7 year old with a mustache.

His pre-prepubescent facial hair growth is disturbing enough to his young psyche, and he does not need a fast little hood rat like yourself pointing out his "difference".

He was self conscious about his 'stache before, but now you have made him downright paranoid.

He is seriously contemplating asking for a razor to commemorate his 8th birthday!

And, that is just not fair.

He should not be concerned about his appearance at such a young age.

And, honestly, the fact that he could quite possibly have a full blown porn 'stache by the start of middle school will probably be enough to cause hussies like yourself to flock to him in bulk.

Besides, have you seen him? I'd venture to say that he is probably already quite the little heartbreak in the U8 set.

So, seriously, RELAX! It's just a mustache (actually, it's more like a really prominent five o'clock shadow on his upper lip).

It's not like it's a beard. I could see how a beard might insight ridicule; 'cause, you know, beards are just creepy.

But, the mustache is sorta cute. Dare I say sexy, even (or at least it will be one day when he is like 25 or something).

Either way, your incessant questioning, and backhanded teasing has stolen a bit of my baby's innocence, and frankly, you had no right!

He has never once made mention of the fact that you are a little less than normal for weighing 125lbs in the fourth grade.

Nor has he ever brought up the fact that, your parents had better get their checkbooks ready because they are going to single handedly purchase a car for a local orthodontist's son.

You know why? It's not because those things aren't obvious (because, let me tell you, they totally are), it's because he is a sweet, good, kindhearted, 7 year old who has no interest in hurting other people's feelings (that's what I'm for).

He simply wants people to like him (and his man-stache) and he does not need little trixies like yourself embarrassing him.

He is a nice, honest person, and he didn't deserve this.

So, if announces aloud, "Overweight Lover in da house," the next time you step on the bus, please know that it required hours of extensive training by his vengeful mother to get him to toss out a comment that evil.

And, you totally deserve it.

Tell your mama to call me.