Crash and Burn

Because Jake “The Bachelor” Pavelka has done exactly what you expected him to do.

He picked the wrong girl (but, in his defense, the other girl was only slightly a better choice, in theory).*

Just like all of the other Bachelor’s did.

Because none of them have gotten married (although Mesnick is set to wed his after-the-fact pick next Monday on abc; are you watching?).

Not. One.

And Jake won’t either.

Because he picked the chick who is immature fun and loose spontaneous and superficial silly (at least that is the image painted by the media, which according to the two of them is entirely false).

And, after 7 (or something like that) years of being a wife and mom I know that being fun and spontaneous and silly are not personality traits that you want to name first when you’re talking about who makes a great wife and mom.

As in, you aren’t ever gonna hear someone say, “That Dumb Mom is such a good mom because she is fun!”

I mean, you aren’t likely to ever hear someone use my name in the same sentence with “good mom” anyway and I’d like to argue that it is exactly because I am so dang fun.

Good moms from what I hear are not fun first.

They are some other stuff first.

And it’s not spontaneous or silly either.

It’s cool to be fun, and spontaneous, and silly (not so much immature, loose, and superficial), just after you are some other stuff that is actually useful in day-to-day life.

Just sayin’.

Point is Jake just proved to the world why “nice” guys finish last.

Because they are stupid.

Just like not so nice guys.

And they use their least discriminating body part to make their choices.

And contrary to what cheesiest-straight-dude-alive-next-to-Jason-the-cry-baby-Mesnick would like you to believe, I’m NOT talking about their hearts.

I mean even Chris Harrison (the host, for all of you non-Bachelor stalkers) beat the you-picked-Vienna-because-Tenley-wouldn’t-give-it-up horse to death.

Tenley, Disney character that she is, never caught on to why Jake wasn’t that into her.

She couldn’t understand what he meant when he said the physical chemistry (aka desire to rip your clothes off) was missing for him.

She was confused during and after the show.

For future references, Tens, when a dude say there is no chemistry, spark, or physical connection and something is missing, he means show me your boobs, take of your pants, and at least give me a special kiss or two ASAP so I can make up my “mind” about you.

And, if you even think there is a possibility that Vienna is gonna let her man be your “life friend” after he admitted that he loved you and always will you are dumber than a dancing tea pot my happy little friend (although since she’s not gonna give up the goods, it might be safe. She may want to look out for the likes of Gia, though).

Real women don’t let their dudes be all BFF with their exes.

Particularly not the ones they said they loved literally 2 minutes before they asked you to marry them (not that many of us have those).

It’s suspicious, and it’s creepy, and it’s asking a lot for those of us with psychosis (and by those of us, I pretty much mean all of us who don’t sh%t rainbows**).

Anyway.

It’s over now.

Jake picked Vienna and I just hope her dad doesn’t blow his kneecap off when he comes outta the closet.

At least Jeffrey Osbourne got his moment in the sun while I went to wretch in the bathroom.

+ =

In other, WAY more important TV related news, ROBERT PATTINSON, everyone’s favorite vampire, will be on The View later today!

Not about Eclipse (scheduled to make it’s way to a theater near you this June), about his other movie…can’t think of the name.

Not important.

So, give the kids some Benadryl, grab a Reese's Chocolate Egg or five and watch.

That’s what I’m gonna being doing anyway!

Calm down.

I’m totally kidding.

The Benadryl is for me, not the kids.

Almost forgot to mention that they announced the next Bachelorette.

Big “surprise” that it’s I’m-a-grown-up-bully-who-uses-baby-talk-to-make-boys-like-me Ali.

And, I think next season I am going to have a Bachelor(ette) Blog Pool.

You know like they have for college basketball in March.

With prizes and stuff.

Maybe.

Because I’m not sure I can even stand watching Ali and her pouty-mouth-toddler-speak deal for an entire season.

TTFN.

Dumb Mom. Out.

*I say in theory because seriously, Tenley's nice was over the top. There is a such thing as being too sweet and nice and too easy to cheat on. I mean, the girl said goodbye to the St. Lucia sun during her limo ride of shame. Who does that? Snow White? Belle? Surely not real people. So, I can see why dripping-with-goodness Jake wouldn't want someone even more nice than him. Hence his selection of the tiger.

**This was a phrase used by Gia to describe Tenley on the Women Tell All special. I did not make it up, but I totally could have.