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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Crash and Burn

Because Jake “The Bachelor” Pavelka has done exactly what you expected him to do.

He picked the wrong girl (but, in his defense, the other girl was only slightly a better choice, in theory).*

Just like all of the other Bachelor’s did.

Because none of them have gotten married (although Mesnick is set to wed his after-the-fact pick next Monday on abc; are you watching?).

Not. One.

And Jake won’t either.

Because he picked the chick who is immature fun and loose spontaneous and superficial silly (at least that is the image painted by the media, which according to the two of them is entirely false).

And, after 7 (or something like that) years of being a wife and mom I know that being fun and spontaneous and silly are not personality traits that you want to name first when you’re talking about who makes a great wife and mom.

As in, you aren’t ever gonna hear someone say, “That Dumb Mom is such a good mom because she is fun!”

I mean, you aren’t likely to ever hear someone use my name in the same sentence with “good mom” anyway and I’d like to argue that it is exactly because I am so dang fun.

Good moms from what I hear are not fun first.

They are some other stuff first.

And it’s not spontaneous or silly either.

It’s cool to be fun, and spontaneous, and silly (not so much immature, loose, and superficial), just after you are some other stuff that is actually useful in day-to-day life.

Just sayin’.

Point is Jake just proved to the world why “nice” guys finish last.

Because they are stupid.

Just like not so nice guys.

And they use their least discriminating body part to make their choices.

And contrary to what cheesiest-straight-dude-alive-next-to-Jason-the-cry-baby-Mesnick would like you to believe, I’m NOT talking about their hearts.

I mean even Chris Harrison (the host, for all of you non-Bachelor stalkers) beat the you-picked-Vienna-because-Tenley-wouldn’t-give-it-up horse to death.

Tenley, Disney character that she is, never caught on to why Jake wasn’t that into her.

She couldn’t understand what he meant when he said the physical chemistry (aka desire to rip your clothes off) was missing for him.

She was confused during and after the show.

For future references, Tens, when a dude say there is no chemistry, spark, or physical connection and something is missing, he means show me your boobs, take of your pants, and at least give me a special kiss or two ASAP so I can make up my “mind” about you.

And, if you even think there is a possibility that Vienna is gonna let her man be your “life friend” after he admitted that he loved you and always will you are dumber than a dancing tea pot my happy little friend (although since she’s not gonna give up the goods, it might be safe. She may want to look out for the likes of Gia, though).

Real women don’t let their dudes be all BFF with their exes.

Particularly not the ones they said they loved literally 2 minutes before they asked you to marry them (not that many of us have those).

It’s suspicious, and it’s creepy, and it’s asking a lot for those of us with psychosis (and by those of us, I pretty much mean all of us who don’t sh%t rainbows**).


It’s over now.

Jake picked Vienna and I just hope her dad doesn’t blow his kneecap off when he comes outta the closet.

At least Jeffrey Osbourne got his moment in the sun while I went to wretch in the bathroom.

vienna + jake = China Fire

In other, WAY more important TV related news, ROBERT PATTINSON, everyone’s favorite vampire, will be on The View later today!

Not about Eclipse (scheduled to make it’s way to a theater near you this June), about his other movie…can’t think of the name.

Not important.

So, give the kids some Benadryl, grab a Reese's Chocolate Egg or five and watch.

That’s what I’m gonna being doing anyway!

Calm down.

I’m totally kidding.

The Benadryl is for me, not the kids.

Almost forgot to mention that they announced the next Bachelorette.

Big “surprise” that it’s I’m-a-grown-up-bully-who-uses-baby-talk-to-make-boys-like-me Ali.


And, I think next season I am going to have a Bachelor(ette) Blog Pool.

You know like they have for college basketball in March.

With prizes and stuff.


Because I’m not sure I can even stand watching Ali and her pouty-mouth-toddler-speak deal for an entire season.


Dumb Mom. Out.

*I say in theory because seriously, Tenley's nice was over the top. There is a such thing as being too sweet and nice and too easy to cheat on. I mean, the girl said goodbye to the St. Lucia sun during her limo ride of shame. Who does that? Snow White? Belle? Surely not real people. So, I can see why dripping-with-goodness Jake wouldn't want someone even more nice than him. Hence his selection of the tiger.

**This was a phrase used by Gia to describe Tenley on the Women Tell All special. I did not make it up, but I totally could have.


singedwingangel said...

Ok I didn't watch the Bachelor but he seriously got upset cause the girl didn't sleep with him.. See that pisses me off. Men.. flippin idiots

Rebecca said...

I could swear that song was sung by Billy Ocean...kind of a letdown. He's an idiot...nuff said.

Kerry said...

So not happy with his decision. Your take on him being gay just may be right since he clearly picked the chick that looks like a damn sausage. I'm upset that he didn't pick Tenley and came up with such a bogus answer as to why.

He sucks, oh well. His loss. Boo!!

I will be watching the Bachelorette with Ali though, just so I can keep writing this crazy stuff. He he ;)

Have a good one chica.

Heather said...

yeah, because the one to declare your undying love for is the one who has no problem putting out for an almost stranger... sigh.

Kmama said...

Okay, so I watched last night for the first time and guffawed through the whole thing. Holy cheese...were we all in Wisconsin? I was wretching in the bathroom along with you.

What a train wreck.

Maggie S said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maggie S said...

Jake is a liar. He said he wanted a wife and mom and he was ready to settle down. Who do you want staying with your kids when you are away weeks at a time? If you want to find out if Tenley will get dirty with you, invite her to the stinking mud. Quit bawling because you are gonna pick sex over substance. Let her go. Don't keep trying to make her lash out(so you feel better about your decision). She has too much together. Yes, mom is not gonna be happy. Mom and little Jake can talk later.

And yet, I didn't miss an episode.

Drama Queen said...

Love the post - too freakin' funny...

And I'm SO glad I didn't watch The Bachelor this season...sounds like I didn't miss much!

Shell said...

I didn't get to watch last night b/c I had book club. I almost asked if we could watch this instead, though.

I think the producers told Ali to leave the show so that she could be the next Bachelorette. B/c I think he would have picked her and no one wanted to watch Vienna or even Tenley be the next one.

I believe in Bachelor conspiracy theories.

Kristy said...

Bachelor needs to turn into a two-part season. Part 1: Choose the girl that you must have wild sex with many times to get it out of your system. Go ahead, think with your d*ck. It's your chance. Part 2: NOW choose the woman you want for your wife.

Anonymous said...

OMG. Let's do a pool! I will totally watch the first episode to just do the pool.

The Pipster said...

Oh I feel so left out! I didn't follow this at all. Housewives fan here!

Cecily R said...

I don't watch The Bachelor or The View, but can I have some reeses peanut butter eggs anyway? Because those are things are AWESOME. :)

CaneWife said...

Fantastic recap!

But I totally missed RPatt. Boo.

Muthering Heights said...

LOL, you should just read this {on the show} at the end of each season...

Michelle Pixie said...

And now we can look forward to Dancing with the Stars were apparently Vienna with be front row and center to watch her 'man' dancing around in hot pants and cheering him on! I thought he was a pilot?!

I am just wondering if Ali is actually going to make it the whole way through or if she will need to go back to work? Bwahahaha

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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