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Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Sometimes an unworthy, unmotivated, and highly unsuspecting mommy is presented with an opportunity.

Sometimes, such a seemingly undeserving mom considers shirking such an opportunity by blowing it off and dismissing it as nothing.

But, sometimes, as unaware as she maybe, that undeserving mama jumps on that opportunity and hangs on for all she is worth, vowing not to let go unless her cold, dead, unbelievably-strong-for-being-so-plump fingers are pried free.

She tucks herself into her granny girdle, she covers herself with her purdy clothes and her out of style square toe boots, and she packs herself into her stereotypical sport utility vehicle to brave the traffic and the city folk so she can confront this opportunity head on like the formerly-fierce-business-savvy-I-am-woman-hear-me-roar go-getter she used to be (or was certainly just about to be) before she became in the family way and unselfishly devoted herself (mind, body, and soul) to her husband and children.

She polishes off her rusty social skills and her friendly smile so she doesn't scare all the nice people who invited her to a child free play date.

Once this mom of three is fully immersed in the beauty of this opportunity, she could spend her time there in fear, alternating between a sense of awestruck speechlessness and horrified silence. She may bite her tongue to prevent from being found out as the full blown idiot poser she truly is, while simultaneously wishing she could use her salad fork to gouge her eardrums out to prevent having to listen to further proof of exactly how awesome her compadres truly are, since she may be feeling highly inadequate and horribly bloated? (Shoulda passed on the cheese bread).

She then may spend the remainder of the dinner doing any or all of the following things: hoping that her tasteless jokes (jeez, not even drinking) and inappropriate comments are not misconstrued, taken too seriously, or ever repeated since she only really said them outta nervousness; trying to keep her chin up and her face in the perfect sorta-smiling-but-not-totally-goof-and-certainly-not-frowning pose since the cameras are flashing from every angle and she'd hate to have her fat face (as opposed to her less fat face) show up in its double chinned, saggy joweled glory on some one's blog; and wondering if she really shoulda just skipped this thing all together, not because these women aren't awesome, because they totally are, but because now that she likes these lovely ladies she will be even more devastated when they realize that she is the lazy, undeserving, ogre we spoke of previously and she has to face the horror of the girl dump (which is like ten times more humiliating and unbearable than the dude dump because you can't blame it on superficial things entirely and have to accept that it is something unchangeable, like your personality, as opposed to something a few hard weeks at the gym, like your less than stellar badonkadonk, can fix).

And, if these aren't enough to make one shy away from the challenge, perhaps the possibility of getting lost in the inner city of Baltimore will do it.

The Inner Harbor is a beautiful tourist destination, but just a few short blocks and a series of not-all-that-obviously-wrong turns and you are in the middle of The Wire season finale (minus the cameras and that sorta attractive guy that wound up as Michael's replacement on the Office) in which the expendable character (an unassuming mom of three) vanishes without a trace leaving viewers waiting many months to discover her fate.

Actually, from what I recall (it's still a blur that I am trying to block out), it was a pretty good cross section of The Wire, Boys in the Hood, Resident Evil, and some show about lions on Animal Planet.

I'm certain I saw a dirty cop, a gang fight (although isn't gang banging like so 1992?), a zombie climbing up the side of an abandoned building, and a full blown cat fight, featuring real street cats, that did not break up for a strange chick in a motor vehicle (yep, actually had to honk twice and wait for them to move).

It was quite possibly the scariest night of my adult life.

And, I've been to the hood before (might have even lived there briefly, but I try to block that out too).

Numerous times.

I used to kick it hard core in the hood, Homie.

But, that was different because: a.) I chose to go there, b.) I never went unaccompanied by a local, and c.) I was too young to understand that my life was quite possibly hanging on by a thread (not so much because of the humans, it's the stray dogs I'm afraid of).

Not to mention that this area of Baltimore is not even "the hood". I'm pretty sure that this place would be considered the hood's hood. I'd bet if you tried to find it during the day it would be like trying to find Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, and for you non-Harry Potter fans (do non-Harry Potter fans even exist, because they shouldn't?!) that basically means you couldn't. It's this freaky place that only comes alive at night when the dregs that frequent it climb up outta the sewers.

And, that's not to say that everyone in the hood is a bad/scary/lawbreaking/innocent-woman-killing/gun toting/drug dealing/gang-banging looney toon (so don't get your granny pants in a bunch).

That's just to say that pretty much everyone I saw this particular night (which included some hideously skinny lady with something that looked strangely like a syringe sticking outta her arm, the street walking whore, and the group of shifty eyed dudes standing on the porch that had a steady stream of traffic up and down it's dilapidated steps) probably was.

So, yeah.

Now that I made it home, I can say that getting swag from: Dunkin Donuts (@dunkindonuts), Shaklee by Clean Mama (@AboutShaklee), Piggy Paint (@PiggyPaint) Piggy Paint and WAT-AAH! (@WAT AAH), Candlelight Ghost Tours of Frederick, Dancing Bear Toys & Gifts (@dbeartoys), Maryland Ensemble Theatre FUNCompany (@mdensemble), Author Kristin Kish Whyte - “One More Minute” book and Maryland Life Magazine (@marylandlife), was 100 percent worth every moment of discomfort (including the discomfort of having to experience Baltimore's spooky blue lights).

And, I can say with complete confidence that, if you get the chance to hook up with 8 truly inspiring, dedicated, intelligent, over achieving women like the Maryland Mom Bloggers (aka Safire from Living in Maryland, Joanne from Barely Domestic Mama (@BarelyDomestic), Lara from Chicken Nuggets of Wisdom (@dipaolamomma), MaryMac from Pajamas and Coffee (@marymac), Jennifer from Hip As I Wanna Be (@MammaMania), Jill from Scary Mommy (@scarymommy), and Lolli from Better in Bulk) as I did, do yourself a favor, make sure you know how to get home so that the most harrowing story of the night can be regarding the strange (but surprisingly delicious) weenies the awesome people at La Tasca served you for dinner.


Kathy B! said...

Okay, next time I want an invite. I will drive my butt up from NC for that much fun!! And yes. I'm hard up :)

The Main Ladybug said...

Kathy B, will you please swing by Nashville and pick me up on your way? Haven't been to Baltimore in too many years to say, and haven't had that much fun in . . . ever!

Mira is triplet crown said...

Wow, the scenery, the ambiance, and then a quick nod to the ladies. where are all the California bloggers getting together? I don't care if I'm deserving or not! I want dinner and swag!

MammaMania said...

You are amazing even with your square toed boots which I didn't even know were out of style until you pointed them out... that is how hopeless I am.

And yes, we will be giving you a drink next time. I'm driving. I wanna see you dance on the table, sista!

Jennifer said...

One time a friend of mine was working in Baltimore and they went down the the harbor to check it out, in a touristy way, and there was a dead body floating in the water. No joke. So I believe everything you wrote.

Anonymous said...

Now that sounds fun...and Ohio is not that far out of the way so the other gals that are coming can pick me up too! ;)

Lolli said...

That was the best review of the night. By far. I am sorry to hear that you got turned around. I've been there. I know exactly what you mean about Baltimore. It is hell to get out of. No signs pointing you to the freeway, and one wrong turn leads you to....well, where you were. This time, we were equipped with GPS, and even then missed a turn. I wish I could have sat closer to you to hear some of your crazy jokes. I wasn't drinking either. ;)

blueviolet said...

You're selling yourself short here, you silly girl! I'm glad you had fun!

Barely Domestic Mama said...

Oh girly you are so deserving to be a part of the group. I was telling Lara on the way back to her house that was exactly how I felt - undeserving. You are such an incredible writer that I am often left envious that I can't write more like you. You looked fabulous! I was sorry I didn't get to chat with you more. I didn't want to come across inappropriate hollering across the table at you. I'm glad to hear you made it home safely after wandering into the wrong section of Baltimore. I'm still trying to convince my hubby to get me a GPS so I can travel more.

Tammy Howard said...

I love Baltimore - I might even be able to bear the scary parts for a night like that! Awesome!

Anonymous said...

It sounds like a lot of fun. I mean after you arrived there. Though in this blogger/fan's humble opinion, you sell yourself short im your head. You're awesome!

Alicia said...

ahhhh sounds like so much fun!!! we need one of these over in cali!

melissa said...

i'm so jealous. so. jealous.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Oh man, I need to move to MD so I can hang out with the cool bloggers! :)

I know what you mean about the anxiety part - but looks like you all had a hell of a time! Now you get to sit behind your computer and munch on donuts! Mmmmmmm donuts aargh aarrgh!

Scary Mommy said...

I have so been there, my friend. Baltimore is CRAZY once you escape the good parts. And I adored this post. And YOU.

angie said...

I love Dunkin Donuts. I miss Dunkin Donuts. I want a blueberry cake one now.

I've heard Baltimore can be scary.

What a fun get together. What I would give to have been a fly on the wall........then I wouldn't have to dust off my social skills. :)

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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