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Monday, August 24, 2009

Moment of Silence

Today may (fingers crossed) actually hold one.

And, if nothing else, today deserves one.

Because today, #1 headed back here...

It's the first day of school for my happy little second grader.

Can't believe that a few short years ago he was scampering off to his first day of kindergarten.

He is so grown up, all intellectual and articulate.

And, the fact that he will soon no longer be my little boy is driven home (like a wooden stake through the heart) when a fast, bikini wearing, hussy girl streaks across the beach (like a some sleazy sex kitten I might add) and embraces him (against his will I'm sure, he only hugged her back b/c he didn't want to embarrass her), rambling on in that OMG-screamy-screetchy-annoyingly-unbelievably-high-pitched-giggle-infused-girly voice about how "CA-UTE" he is.


I'm standing right here.

I am his mother and I demand that you unhand him at once!

He is not CA-UTE (okay, he is, but you can't say it), he is smart and friendly and a good sport and do you know that he has only lost like one tooth and I still pick out his clothes?!

In the name of all that is holy, unhanded him! Unhand him this very instant or so help me!

And, are you talking about him to your friends???

Honestly, how old are you (eyes narrow suspiciously), because I hate to be a kill joy, but he is ONLY 7! You're at least, what 19? 20?


You are only 13!

That is hardly the body of a 13 year old!

Okay. Deep breath. Don't tackle her, or drown her, or cover her with a towel.

She knows him. He's allowed to have female FRIENDS. Although, I'd prefer her to be a little more Roseann Barr and a little less Paris Hilton, but whatever, FRIENDS are okay.

But, for the record, if you are a vajay-jay owning, prepubescent, hoochie mama interested in interacting with my SEVEN year old, please fill out an application and you will be scheduled for an in depth interview at my earliest convenience.

Please bring in two photographs (one headshot, one full length), your resume, your school transcripts, and a detailed personal statement outlining your family history and your intentions for my son.

Once you have successfully completed your interview (which will include an in depth personality test and a lie detector test administered by a certified official) you will be placed on a waiting list and will be contacted after his 17th birthday (he needs a date for the prom after all).

Girls who know the lyrics to any Britney song (who I think is awesome, but not like, for marrying my son), have seen, or even heard of The Hills, or want to be Redskins cheerleaders when they grow up need not apply.

I (I mean, he) have standards people.

Want to win custom cards click here (and please don't use them to send to my son, we don't accept fan mail!).


Tammy Howard said...

I have a thirteen year old daughter. She does not look thirteen in a bikini. It is to shudder. Not fun on this side of the gender thing, either. Seriously. Seriously not fun.

lov said...

that is awesome!!

but i swear kids are getting older and older, at younger ages these days!!

that is always driven home with me on picture day, when our students are allowed to not wear their uniform, but their sunday best.
apparently, they spend their sundays in strip joints!

ck said...

You say that now, but if he wanted to borrow the car so he could go to Lanford to pick up Becky or Darlene, you might feel a little differently...

ymK said...

Right now I am so glad I don't have boys. Because if some girl approached my baby boy, (even if he was 17) it would have been her last day.

confused homemaker said...

I can't even think about my kids wanting to *date* or anything of the like. I plan on being the overprotective momma with the applications, it may require they end up with more therapy in the end but it will give me peace of mind.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

WHY do the barely-adolescent girls these days look like they're getting ready to head off to college (with brand-new implants, no less)? Seriously? When I was thirteen I was rockin' the baby-fat, frizzy-haired, unplucked-eyebrow, gap-toothed, flat-as-a-board look. And not very well, I might add.

I'm also about to be the mom of three sons ... and I'm worried ...

Jennifer said...

I thought we only had to worry about this stuff with our daughters. That sucks. You mean I have to worry twice.

My four year old is already saying boys are cute. Like the sacker at the grocery store, "Mom, he's cute. Will you tell him my name?"

Ugh. I think my husband is lining up his heart attack right now.

Erin said...

Oh I'm going to be that exact same way when it comes to the girls and my baby boys! I hope it's like 20 years from now!

Dee said...

Oh God my son is 16 and heading off to collegenext week. Sixteen How the hell did this happen? And you know he's coming home with a 21 year old right? Yeah just so I know there are hoochie mammas in college too. Sigh. It's happening too fast.

Hang on as long as you can my sitstah.

B said...

My boy is going into grade 4 but still thinks girls stink; great! But my eldest daughter is 17 (18 in October) and although she's pretty quiet she very pretty (if I say so myself) and has a bigger bust than me and as I'm a 36DD you can imagine what I'm having to deal with. We are currently on holiday in Greece and lets just say I'm NOT looking forward to her going off to live on campus next year after the reception she's got while we've been here. It all creeps up on you so fast; it's too scary!

Anonymous said...

Obviously you have this interrogation thing down, so I appiont you as the writer of the application for being friends and/or dating our child and rules to handle such applicant.

SupahMommy said...

You need to monk him out.. seriously. SECOND GRADE. Let's at least lost that tooth first Britney before you go all pouncing on him you


PropellerHeadMom said...

My six year old has a few close friends that are girls. He sometimes asks if he can have a sleepover with them. I told him, "Not until your married". However, at first I almost said, "Not until college". Good thing I caught myself before I said it :-)

Kathy B! said...

They never look their age once they past 10. That was your first and last notification. Consider yourself WARNED!

Deb said...

Love this: "do you know that he has only lost like one tooth and I still pick out his clothes?!"

Alicia said...

you tell those hussies to stay about from your boy!! i know how you feel.. my 5 yr old came home with a girls number from his kinder class last year!!! SERIOUSLY!! wtf??

MammaMania said...

Laughing my ass off. Hilarious. I feel EXACTLY the same way!

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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