The Birdies and the Bees

#2 has been pestering me about the whereabouts of my pee-pee.

As in, "So do you have a pee-pee or what?"

This is a conversation that keeps rearing it's ugly head (in various public places like the bathroom at Ikea and the mall parking lot), so I decided that we would just go ahead and hash out the whole boys-and-girls-are-different-so-deal-with-it thing.

Luckily when he brought up my "inside the butt pee-pee" at Ikea, and the questions about what my pee-pee is called if it's not a "hangy out" kinda pee-pee I was able to put him off, distract him, let's say, with a swift ninja kick to the throat.

Kidding!

I totally just covered his mouth and put him in a Rowdy Roddy Piper sleeper hold knowing that the conversation would undoubtedly resurface once he was at home and revived, so we could talk about it then.

Me: No, Bud, no pee-pee. I'm a girl so my body is different from yours.

#2: Did you ever have one, or was it always not there?

Me: Nope. I was born without one. I have girl parts instead (feel free to chastise my not using the word, but seriously only things to call "it" that came to my mind at the time was va-jay-jay, poohnanie, and vag. All totally inappropriate and I really just don't want him rolling around town talking about my VAGINA. And, he really is "that kid", just believe me when I tell you that).

#2: Did they forget to put it on?

Me: (Curiosity got me here) They who?

#2: God.

Me: No. He didn't forget because he never forgets things. He made me this way so that I could be a lady, so Daddy would want to marry me and make me a mommy (or vice versa in our case: make me a mommy and then marry me).

#2: Maybe you should just ask Him for a pee-pee then(not sure why I'd want to do that since people with pee-pee's have smaller brains. Don't worry, I didn't actually say that even though it's true).

Me: But, then I wouldn't be a lady anymore. I'd be a dude like Daddy. Then you'd have a man mommy (Not totally unheard of, but I guess the visual creeped him out enough to make him stop his absurd push for my increased masculinity. I mean, I already have a mustache, am curiously working on a beard, and have rendered myself medically sterile, what more does he want?). You don't want me to be a man mommy, do you?

#2: Nope, that would be ridiculous.

That's right son, it would.

Feel free to share your birds and the bees talk with me as I'm sure that the need to have a serious one with #1 is approaching.

I intend to put this discussion off for as long as possible, which based on his aversion to discussing the opposite sex in any capacity, could, quite possibly, be forever. And, while I'm not totally against that idea, I'd hate to have the naive loser kid that honestly believes all the bull crap you hear as a preteen about where babies come from (you know, can't happen first time, could get pregnant from a toilet seat, etc).

So, feel free to share your words with me or it may go like this:

Me: So, um any questions about, um, you know, like, stuff? (Breaks out into malodorous sweat)

#1: Um, yeah, no, no questions.

Me: So, you sure, like you know the stuff about, like all that kinda stuff, or whatever?

#1: Yeah, like, pretty clear, or, I don't really need any more.

Me: So, great. Okay, if you like, I don't know, you know, like, come up with something, like I guess you could maybe ask, you know, if you want, or whatever.

#1: Blinks. Stares out window in silence. Bites lip awkwardly, while considering if he should throw himself from the moving car.

Me: So, do you have homework?

So, um, yeah...HELP!