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Monday, August 31, 2009

The Birdies and the Bees

#2 has been pestering me about the whereabouts of my pee-pee.

As in, "So do you have a pee-pee or what?"

This is a conversation that keeps rearing it's ugly head (in various public places like the bathroom at Ikea and the mall parking lot), so I decided that we would just go ahead and hash out the whole boys-and-girls-are-different-so-deal-with-it thing.

Luckily when he brought up my "inside the butt pee-pee" at Ikea, and the questions about what my pee-pee is called if it's not a "hangy out" kinda pee-pee I was able to put him off, distract him, let's say, with a swift ninja kick to the throat.


I totally just covered his mouth and put him in a Rowdy Roddy Piper sleeper hold knowing that the conversation would undoubtedly resurface once he was at home and revived, so we could talk about it then.

Me: No, Bud, no pee-pee. I'm a girl so my body is different from yours.

#2: Did you ever have one, or was it always not there?

Me: Nope. I was born without one. I have girl parts instead (feel free to chastise my not using the word, but seriously only things to call "it" that came to my mind at the time was va-jay-jay, poohnanie, and vag. All totally inappropriate and I really just don't want him rolling around town talking about my VAGINA. And, he really is "that kid", just believe me when I tell you that).

#2: Did they forget to put it on?

Me: (Curiosity got me here) They who?

#2: God.

Me: No. He didn't forget because he never forgets things. He made me this way so that I could be a lady, so Daddy would want to marry me and make me a mommy (or vice versa in our case: make me a mommy and then marry me).

#2: Maybe you should just ask Him for a pee-pee then(not sure why I'd want to do that since people with pee-pee's have smaller brains. Don't worry, I didn't actually say that even though it's true).

Me: But, then I wouldn't be a lady anymore. I'd be a dude like Daddy. Then you'd have a man mommy (Not totally unheard of, but I guess the visual creeped him out enough to make him stop his absurd push for my increased masculinity. I mean, I already have a mustache, am curiously working on a beard, and have rendered myself medically sterile, what more does he want?). You don't want me to be a man mommy, do you?

#2: Nope, that would be ridiculous.

That's right son, it would.

Feel free to share your birds and the bees talk with me as I'm sure that the need to have a serious one with #1 is approaching.

I intend to put this discussion off for as long as possible, which based on his aversion to discussing the opposite sex in any capacity, could, quite possibly, be forever. And, while I'm not totally against that idea, I'd hate to have the naive loser kid that honestly believes all the bull crap you hear as a preteen about where babies come from (you know, can't happen first time, could get pregnant from a toilet seat, etc).

So, feel free to share your words with me or it may go like this:

Me: So, um any questions about, um, you know, like, stuff? (Breaks out into malodorous sweat)

#1: Um, yeah, no, no questions.

Me: So, you sure, like you know the stuff about, like all that kinda stuff, or whatever?

#1: Yeah, like, pretty clear, or, I don't really need any more.

Me: So, great. Okay, if you like, I don't know, you know, like, come up with something, like I guess you could maybe ask, you know, if you want, or whatever.

#1: Blinks. Stares out window in silence. Bites lip awkwardly, while considering if he should throw himself from the moving car.

Me: So, do you have homework?

So, um, yeah...HELP!


TuTu's Bliss said...

LOL! No help here. I had to have princess in the stall with me as I tried to deal with my "monthly issue" without her noticing. Stealth is not my strong point. It did not go well and I think she will be traumitized for the rest of her life.

Shannon said...

The experts say, just answer the question and move on... at least when they are little! My kids know the correct term for their vagina and penis... although my little boy says peanuts instead, which works as well, I guess! :)

Rita Templeton said...

I have been open with my 4-year-old about everything ... in the most kid-friendly way possible. He knows the "proper" terminology for the parts, and why mommies bleed, how babies get into tummies, and all this stuff. I just gritted my teeth and told him, in terms he could understand, the real deal.

And it has come back, numerous times, to bite me in the ass ... publicly. :)

I'm hoping, though, that my forthrightness (is that even a word? It's early) will pay off in spades later when he a.) comes to me with sex questions, sparing him from b.) knocking some little hoochie up at age 14.

... Knock on wood.

confused homemaker said...

My kids ask great questions like that too, even though we explain what everything is they still ask the same questions over & over again. I think that they are just finding it to be hilarious, I am not even sure they care anymore.

TKW said...

Ha! It's true about the smaller brains--why WOULD we want one of those awkward lookin, things?

Anonymous said...

Hilarious post! I was LOL'ing here at work...gonna have to make sure the lady who sits by me reads it too!

As for advice...I got nuthin'! My oldest is 8 and a girl...and I know I gotta get cracking...but I am so worried about destroying her innocence prematurely!

Can't wait to see how the talk works out with #1.

Found you through SITS, by the way. I'm gonna follow're funny!

Aleta said...

LMAO. That's too funny that he wanted you to have a pee-pee too. But honestly, I think you handled that VERY well. I don't have kids, so I don't know how to handle those kinds of situations. I found out the birds and the bees from my brother. He asked Mom and Mom told him and he told me and I freaked. LOL.

Nicole @ Chic and Cheap Nursery said...

LOL! Not had that talk yet. I've got a girl and she is only 1. Although, she did see me naked recently, pointed to my vajayjay and called it 'Coco' (our cat's name). Maybe I've been slacking in the vajayjay grooming department...

Jennifer said...

Yeah, but then you could pee standing up. LOL

Only Baby Girl has asked why her brother is different. She said something about his "winky" (no idea where she heard that) and I told her it was a penis and she asked if she could call it a winky and I told her yes. And then I just told her God made boys and girls different and she was happy with that answer.

ck said...

my 4 year old has been watching me closely as I change, as in, front-row close up. it's freaking me out, but I'm trying to stay cool. And then she asked me why i didn't have "a penis mushroom" like daddy. with a name like that, why WOULD I want one?

Sassy Chica said...

Too funny!
I remember having the boy/girl potty talk w/my son a few months ago when he asked, Mom why do you pee sitting down, does it come out of your butt?

Kids Rock!!

Sassy Chica

Anonymous said...

It's so much easier (unless they ask about tampons) to talk to girls about that stuff because they have the same parts. I think the best we can do as moms is to teach our boys to respect girls and treat them like ladies (then let dad deal with the scientific part). Good luck!

Anonymous said...

P.S. For moms of girls the book titled "The Care and Keeping of You" really helped. it is part of the American Girl collection.

Anonymous said...

If that was the first time #2 has asked, I envy you because obviously you have more privacy in the bathroom than I do. Evan has been noticing since potty training and has asked numerous times about my lack of penis.
As for The Talk. Wait until fourth grade. Then you can do as my mom did with each of us, drag the child into the library, loudly ask the librarian where the books are, check them out. #1 will be so embarressed he'll be quiet and listen so as not to do the whole ordeal again.

Unknown said...

This post was hysterical. I had to read it to my DH. You can't make this stuff up.

Amethystmoon said...

Absolutely hilarious! I remember when my little brother was about the same age as #2 and my dad told him thatI and his mom (my step mom) didn't have a peepee because we played with it too much and if he didn't want his to fall off, then he won't play with his...really that's what was said...disturbing I know! sounds like yours went way better.

Liz Mays said...

I know the experts tell you to use the real words for things but I just couldn't do it. I think pee pee yelled out in public sounds a little more forgivable than penis. I think my daughter called hers a wee. Actually she's 21 and still does! LOL

supahmommy- somethin's wrong with that girl said...

Or vice versa.. killed me.

E was standing OVER THE toilet once.. and was all like.. i wanna pee like daddy.

Before we learned the sex of my last in utero baby ( m).. E was all like.. how do we know if it's a boy or girl..
so i did the whole penis, vagina snippet.

She goes.

Ooohh.. I hope it has a china.


Amethystmoon said...

This was so funny, I had to link to it from my newest post

Joanna said...

Why do they have to ask in public??

As for older one - ask him what he's heard or what he knows and you can go from there to fill in the blanks. Otherwise you can overload him and he'll run screaming from the room. It won't be ONE talk it will be a little bit here a little bit there.

Charisse said...

WOW!!! We have not had that talk yet. Lorelli knows that there are boys and girls. And that boys have boy privates and girls have girl privates. I do NOT know if she knows that they are different.

She DEFINITELY knows that sometimes my privates are hurt and I "have blood."

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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