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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

It's official: Summer is here, the D-bag isn't

The Bachelorette is beyond easy this week: FINALLY, Jillian wakes up and realizes that Wes is a totally fame-seeking-fashion-senseless-douche. He had to actually kick her in the face for her to figure it out, but at long last, she did. Bye, bye partner! Bad part is that now I am in love with two men who are decidedly not my husband (Kypton and Reid; sorry Ed, just not feeling you in spite of your cuteness). It's gonna be a hard break up (for me, who really cares about Jillian).

On to more important stuff, you know, stuff about me (and the dudes, let's not forget the dudes!):).

We have officially begun our annual summer marking activity.

Taking swimming lessons.

This is #3s first year, but #1 and #2 are old pros.

I was so excited to not be the mom to the moaning-wailing-separation-anxiety-crippled-non-compliant-preschooler who was refusing to even put one toe in the water, that I almost literally cried.

Because that was me last year.

#2 was so anti-swim lessons that it wasn't even funny.

He wouldn't even let the instructor (bless her 15 year old lack of experience with children heart) touch him without letting out this blood curdling velociraptor scream.

He wouldn't leave the steps. He wouldn't get his face wet, and if I had the gall, the audacity to suggest that he just give it a try, we would scream no in his loudest, scariest, I-will-cut-you-if-you-take-another-step voice.

Embarrassing, yes.

Did I give up? Hell to the no.

We went every. Single. Day we paid for.

He sat on the side and was largely ignored by me and many of the instructors (pretty sure they were afraid of him).

We didn't force him, but we didn't let him quit all together, either.

Figured it was a learning experience for him and I flippin' paid for it, so he was goin'.

This year, they all got in without incident.

He didn't smile, he didn't act happy, but he got in.

He went out in the water with the teachers, he followed their directions, and he didn't threaten to kill anyone, including me.

I consider it a HUGE success.

But, it was not so for everyone.

I witnessed a number of moms embroiled in head to head combat with their little people over whether they would or wouldn't be getting in the swimming pool(most of them settled on wouldn't).

And, they all handled it differently.

There were the pleaders, and the bribers. The ones who used public ridicule and embarrassment. And, the one who got into the pool fully clothed to swim with her screaming child (which was funny, but kinda sad and awkward).

But the best by far was the loud mouthed, "OH YES YOU ARE MISTER! YOU ARE NOT WASTING MY MORNING CRYING AND SITTING ON THE SIDE OF THE POOL," mom.

You know the one who wants everyone to know that she will not be standing for child protest.

The one marching alongside the pool berating her kid (for being a baby), accusing him of sabotaging her (because she has "so many better things to do"), and basically looking like a lunatic (with her loud voice and her huge glasses, and her high heels and her funny words).

She's the one that winds up looking the dumbest of all because she made such a scene of not allowing her child to get what s/he wants, and then gives in in front of us all in a flamboyant show of frustrated emotion. Lesson: Don't bring a knife to a gun fight, and if you do, don't announce it to the world.

Whatever.

I need moms like this because it takes the focus off of my own little train wreck.

With her around, people don't notice that #3 is peeing on the pool deck or that #2 got outta the pool and informed me that I'm the meanest mommy in the world for not having his towel open and ready.

And, more importantly, people don't notice that I'm wearing my swim cover up backwards (thought the neck was up a little high), or that I do a pretty good impression of a seal in my swimsuit.

So, I'd like to thank loud-mouthed mom for ruining her rep at the pool today, thereby preventing me from ruining mine.

And, before I forget, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MIMI & PAPA!

16 comments:

rheanne said...

Thanks for the post. The peeing on the pool deck and "meanest mommy in the world" could have come straight out of my life. All the best with the next swimming lesson.

blueviolet said...

You are doing the right thing. I have an 18 year old son who despised the water and now he's an 18 year old son who can't swim and so I'm pretty sure I've set him up for a future death by drowning incident.

My steps are not to be followed. Yours are.

trashalou said...

Rooly truly? A fully clothed mum got into the pool to placate screamy, shouty child? Wow!

(I write as the mother who once threatened to throw her seven y.o. into the pool if he did not climb in himself so, you know, I know all about the pool fight thing.)

parentingBYdummies said...

I know, crazy right? She was fully submerged up to her waist! Funny thing is her husband was already in the pool with the kid so not sure WTH was happening. It was hard not to stare:)

Connie Weiss said...

Thank God Wes is gone.

We attempted swimming lessons this year. We went to one lesson. My irish twins are 2 and 3 and the 3 yr old screamed his bloody head off. Luckily, my husband was wrangling him that day and I pretended that I didn't know them.

We will try again next year....

Morgan said...

This is pure inspiration.

Jennifer said...

"moaning-wailing-separation-anxiety-crippled-non-compliant-preschooler who was refusing to even put one toe in the water"..... I'm the mom to that one. And I gave in. She was doing lessons with daycare and I just didn't have the heart to face the tears and fear every night. My poor baby. She may never learn to swim.

lov said...

first of all, i love that you say "hell to the no"
i say that all the time,
and thought i was the only one!

i do so love swimming lesson days...it takes me back to when i was a nanny...
i always loved watching the moms and how they reacted to their children's behaviors
one of my little ones was the one screaming his head off ALL THE TIME
for the entire week of swimming lessons, the poor kid screamed from the moment he woke up til the moment he went to sleep...all because of swimming lessons
....but for some reason, he loved the water any other time... :)
ahh kids! they are so funny!

i can't wait until i'm actually a mom at a pool with my kid and the swimming instructor...
...one day!

ck said...

I am bringing my girls to THAT pool. I want to be right next to nutcase, screaming mom so that no one will notice me push my kids in the pool, forcing them to learn to swim.

It worked with our dog, shouldn't it work with them?

Mira is triplet crown said...

Well played mom. Making him sit by the pool anyway all summer. Well played. Because it worked didn't it? He got in this year. I'm writing that one down. So impressed. And no, no one is noticing what you're wearing or doing because they are in hell too. Now I can't wait for swim lessons. I mean really what is not to look forward to?

{leah} said...

You are a great writer!! I have one son who I can't get out of the water, and one who thinks he is going to melt if he get's wet. {and the other is can't make up his mind}

I love it when parents put on a show! It gives me something to do, and makes me feel less crazy

That's Who I Am said...

I am SO glad she fINALLY got rid of Wes. Finally...I will be sad and heartbroken to see any of the last three go:(

Alicia said...

adios wes!! he's gotta go take care of 'numero uno'....d-bag! now it's kinda boring though....

KnitterMama said...

oh my gosh, i am going to have your last summer this summer! this post was the best!

Orange Juice said...

YOU WON THE gDiapers!

faemom said...

It's sort of like standing next to a fat person to make yourself look smaller.
P.S. I swear I've been trying to read your posts for days, stupid no-naps, stupid talkative husband. Ugh.

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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