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Monday, July 6, 2009

I Hate Tag

I'm slow.

I'm clumsy.

I'm a poor sport (not outwardly, but in my head I'm such an ill wisher).

And, I'm always it.

So, when Mama Mania tagged me for some photo blog thing, I thought I'd pretend it didn't happen.

I'm a grown up, you know.

I don't have to play tag; I don't have to be it.

But, that was before I realized that this form of tag is different.

Not at all mean, or a way for the playground lords to exert their power over me.

This tag is fun!


Because to "play" you get to upload your 6th photo in your 6th folder and blog all about it.

Well, I love photos, so why not. Can't hurt, can it?

I was probably going to share photos this week anyway, you know, 'cause that's what I do.

But...I wasn't exactly planning to share this particular photo.

I was really planning on pretending as though this photo was never taken; to pretend that what inspired this photo never happened.

But, alas, I'm it, and I'm really trying to work on that poor sport thing.

So, here is my photo.

Pretty normal.

Not much to see here, just your friendly, everyday plastic play land thingy.

That's because that's what it wants you to think.

It wants you to feel all excited and happy to be there, so you let you guard down, so you get comfortable.

It wants to entice you with its sliding-climbing-pushing-pulling-areas-of-fun-and-enjoyment.

To win you over.

To reel you in.

And, when it has you in its grip.

When you are fully under its spell.

It barrel rolls right out from under you and leaves you bruised and battered on the ground, clutching your shin for dear life, praying that your child (and please Lord, none of his teammates) saw you tumble gracelessly to the ground, as your younger offspring stare at you in a state of confused concern, tears springing to your eyes, the redness of horror fluttering across your cheeks.

It giggles spins on mercilessly as you lay there with some strange recycled tire mulch crap clinging to your hair and creeping into your sports bra, wondering what went wrong.

How did this happen?

Should I call 911?

No...that's ridiculous. But it. Hurts. So. Effing. Badly.

And, then you realize the saboteur that has victimized you is actually not this innocent (largely, but not entirely) source of physical fun.

It was your 31 year old train wreck of a body that failed you.

And, it was your twelve-year-old-brain-stuck-in-this-crap-hole-thrown-off-balance-by-excess-weight body that was whispering, "I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad, I know I'm bad," in your ear that set you up for failure. It was that twelve year old know it all that convinced you to try the death trap because it looked like fun ("like oh my gosh, like totally sooooo much fun").

So you cry some more, while your four year old feeds recycled tire mulch to your baby whose cloth diaper is filled to the brim and hanging on by a thread.

And then, you pack up your grotesquely swollen, badly bruised ego leg, and your grossly soiled children, and you drive yourself home and realize that you have to share this story with the entire world (maybe not the world, but a lot of people) all in the name of good sportsmanship.

Thank you Mama Mania; I hate tag.

And, in case anyone was wondering, I'm fine. Only slightly injured from the fall. No internal bleeding or hideously broken bones as initially suspected:)


blueviolet said...

Ahhh...the perilous playground. You'd think adults that have become wiser and more savvy with age would be able to maneuver safely throughout.

Nicole said...

lol :D I wonder what my 6th pic in the 6th folder is??? I'm going to look.

Jennifer said...

This is why I try to avoid all playground equipment. I know I will end up looking like a fool.

Kristin said...

I'm scared. The dude is starting to get interested in the playground equipment. ahhhhhhhhh

Beth Parker said...

Funny story. I guess that's why some places put up signs saying that the playground equipment is only for kids -- to keep us grownups from hurting ourselves! And here I thought they were just trying to kill our fun.

lov said...

that was so stinking funny!
only cause i know you lived to tell about it! :)

Anonymous said...

I've been there. They actually had that dangerous thing at a school near where we lived. It looked like a plastic log. And it was EVIL. To think they're replacing Merry-go-arounds with that thing. Right.

angie said...

Am I evil for not being able to stop laughing?

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

I can relate to this. I rode my son's scooter for all of 8 feet then I hit a crack in the sidewalk and went flying. I sprained both of my arms and a neighbor drove by and found me passed out cold in the grass by the side of the road. I was more embarrassed than hurt, but I was pretty hurt too.

Look forward to seeing you at SITScation!

Alicia said...

yikes! this is why i don't play...or exercise...or do anything that remotely elevates my heart rate. it's too dangerous!

mama's got moxie said...

i'm so sorry for your pain, but that was absolutely hilarious!! hope you feel know, ego and all!! :)

ck said...

This is why I text while at the park. I'd rather have the other moms talk about how I'm ignoring my kids than bust my ass in front of them...

Because if I tried to use that equipment, I'd have the same view as your photograph.

Lena said...

I love your blog!! I laughed until I peed myself - honest. (I've had 8 children. Adult diapers are just around the corner for me).

You're inspiring me to set up a second blog just for my family.

You rock!!

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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