movies BY dummies

And, for once, the dummy is not me!

The dummies are also not the movie writers, directors, or actors who make the movies that we flock to in record numbers every weekend.

The dummies, in this case, are the patrons.

Particularly, the lovely (and I use that term loosely), individuals who decided to partake in a sci-fi adventure this Sunday at precisely the same time that Hubby and I elected to make a foray to the local (sorta, we traveled to the distant land of Columbia, MD to enjoy the newer screens of the AMC theater) movie house.

And, while the film (Star Trek in case you forgot) was superb, the overall movie going experience (which is a large part of the fun), was less than satisfactory.

To prevent certain individuals from ever sullying my experience again, I decided to provide them (and you if you would ever be guilty of such monstrosities) with a guide of sorts.

Think of it as a gift (mostly for me, but also for you).

A gift that could perhaps change your life (and mine) for the better. Forever.

Tips for a Successful (and by successful, I mean bearable) Movie Going Experience

1. Wash Up. I'm highly concerned that I would even need to mention such a basic element of modern day human existence, but sadly, it is necessary. Here's my thing: movies (especially blockbusters like Star Trek) tend to get crowded, and if we are gonna be packed into a place like sardines, I really can't tolerate sitting next to someone who smells like one. In the name of all that is holy, I beg of you, please do a full body self check before leaving the house. You know, to sniff out all of the rank spots that others, in neighboring chairs who are minding their own business, might be offended by. The odor was so overpowering that I spent a good portion of the film dry heaving into my popcorn bucket. My eyes were watering, my ears were burning, and my nose hairs were on alert the entire showing. I'm not sure what the source of the smell even was. Could have been one of three things: the nether regions (YUCK!), the tongue (although I didn't realize people could get gangrene of the mouth), or the huge, battered, shonkey (sheep/donkey) skin coat that she was fanning around. Not that it even matters, but I'd kinda like to know exactly what is capable of causing someone to smell like they crawled out of a grave and decided to take in a show. It was like sitting next to a zombie for 2 straight hours.

2. Seating should be assigned. A novel (and seemingly unnecessary) idea. But, I can not, for the life of me, think of another solution to the I-got-here-5-minutes-before-the-show-and-want-you-to-move idiot. Honestly, people. I don't get to go to the cinema often. But, when I do, I mean business. I get to the theater at least 30-45 minutes pre show time so that I may acquire the appropriate snacks and select the perfect seat (dead center, of course). As a side note, I also need to make time for a pre-movie cat nap, because I can not be trusted to stay awake in a dark room. Never mind the booming DTS, exhaustion takes over. So, if I was able to plan ahead appropriately (again noting the potential crowd factor), and arrive at the showing in time to choose my seat, I find it highly inappropriate, inconsiderate, and ignorant for you to traipse in shortly before go time and ask me to slide to the left three seats so that you and your band of dummies can sit together in the best seats in the place. IF I WANTED TO SIT ON THE EDGE I WOULD HAVE. You know why? 'Cause, when I got here 45 minutes ago, those seat were open! What you should have done, was simply asked the people on the end if they wouldn't mind scooting in a bit. But, no, you arrived with barely enough time to squeeze into the chairs before the lights dimmed, and managed to usurp my expert chosen seats. I hope you enjoyed the film, jerky. Had I not been disoriented because you interrupted my cat nap (another faux pas) to ask me to relinquish my seat, I would have given you a kind, "No sir, I will not move," or a less kind "Hell, no," which ever came to mind.

3. Food, may be your friend, but it did not pay for a seat so it should not get one. Again, I shouldn't have to say that in a movie theater that is nearly sold out, patrons should be so kind as to hold whatever edible goodies they brought into the film IN THEIR LAPS. In all honesty, by the looks of things, you don't actually need a seat full of food, anyway do you?

4. Commentary is not allowed. I'd like to inform you that, "Oh yes he did!" And, I would greatly appreciate it if you could possibly accept that and stop with the, "Oh, no he didn'ts." 'Cause really, they paid JJ Abrams a good chunk of money to enjoy creative license with the Star Trek script, so get off his back with the rhetorical questioning.

5. Please be so kind as to leave when it's over, or at least suck it in a bit so that I can go past w/o making contact. The credits have rolled, the music has stopped, and most of the other patrons have already left. So, if you don't mind, please clear your food chair, move your feet, and LET ME OUT.

As long as everyone cooperates, no one will get hurt.

And, we will all be able to savor this exciting experience:)