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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I've learned

a lot in the seven years since I have changed my name to Mommy. Here are the most obvious.

1. Sometimes, I suck. Yep it's true, it happens to the best of us, which I think we've all determined does not include me. I feel like a spend a disproportionate amount of time sucking, but I do a fair to good job of denying it, disguising it, or passing it off on the dudes and/or the husband. IMO only fair b/c I feel like, as a mom, the expectation that you don't suck is WAY too high.

2. Sometimes the dudes suck. But, really, don't we all? I keep telling my husband that they are just littler people, smaller (cuter) versions of him and me. They get tired, hungry, annoyed, and disappointed. And, sometimes they, like their grown up counterparts, suck.

3. I'm dumb. This is a whole separate category from the "I suck" category. The two may seem mutually exclusive, but let me highlight the difference. Sucking is borderline intentional. You may not specifically have set out to suck, but many of your actions and choices led you to do so. You kinda knew you were headed down the sucky path, but it felt good, it was working for you at the time, so you kept on truckin'. Dumb is different entirely. You actually intended to make the most of your day or guide your children down the path of righteousness, but somehow you went askew. Again, you may have caused the divergence, but it was inadvertent. And, dumb seldom feels good and rarely works in your favor. It is often more excusable, but generally more undesirable than sucking.

4. I can out sing Beyonce. No, really, I can. Ask #2, he'll tell you.

5. Copper is durable. As is the human body. The two can be brought together and try though they might, they will not destroy each other. But what it will destroy is any cool you have left with the neighbors when they catch you digging through the potty chair with a plastic fork and spoon making sure that the copper was fully expelled from the miniature human body that ingested it.

6. Toilets are not as durable as the human body. They can not stand to have items not specifically designed for their ingestion shoved down their skinny porcelain throats. If this occurs, they choke, they spew, and they die. And if the ingested object is, let's say, a large plastic bouncy ball, it could cost you in the range of $700 to have said dead toilet replaced by a shinier, happier, deeper throated model.

7. I have a love/hate relationship with nursing. I can't decide how I feel about it, but I know I'd totally do it again (obviously since I nursed all 3 dudes for a year). Let's start with the good things:
  • It was free. Have you seen how much formula costs?
  • No extra time spent prepping bottles for nighttime feeding; just open and insert.
  • It makes you skinny! And this is the biggest bonus for me. I lost all of my baby weight, plus some in like 6 months. I have since gained some of it back, so I am currently looking for breastfeeding opportunities in my community b/c my a** is getting outta control.
And for the bad:
  • Pain, pain, pain! But, it essentially doesn't hurt once your body has become accustomed to torture, at which point you could effectively nurse a baby wolverine.
  • All of the feedings are your responsibility. But, I have a funny feeling that they would've been anyway.
  • Can't go anywhere without baby or the man made version of baby, also known as the breast pump. But, by #3, I never went anywhere anyway.
I think I might have loved it, but I'm not entirely sure.

8. I dance like a preschooler; lots of jumping, twisting, and foot stomping. I hope this wasn't always the case, but I can't really remember and I don't want to test my skills at a club for fear that my husband might leave me for a more rythmically proficient model.

9. I'm wildly creative. I can make up a song, a poem, or a joke in a heart beat. I can also draw, finger paint, and work some magic with the Play-Doh like nobody's business. And, these kids have really unlocked my inner Annie Liebowitz. Not that I'll ever be that awesome, but 7 years ago I didn't even know who she was. But, I could tell you all about that "Thong, Thong, Thong, Thong, Thong"! so I kinda think the preschool dancing issue may be a side effect of mommyhood (fingers crossed).

10. I can love the smelliest, orneriest, most obstinately disgruntled little monkeys and see them as the sweetest, nicest, most pleasantly compliant little angels with whom I am eager (OK, willing) to spend every waking moment with.


Gibby said...

This was AWESOME! And so true (well, not the one about you being dumb!) Especially the toilet thing.

Kathy B! said...

I count myself lucky that I've never had any experience with #5! Ewww.

The rest I'm right there with 'ya!

Tina said...

Thaank you for the kind comment over at my blog. I am looking forward to rading your blog if I can get the triplets to take a nice long nap this afternoon.

This post made me laughe simply because it is true true true. All of us have been there MANY times!

Housewife Savant said...

I'm sooooooo enjoying your posts, but I really ought to quit.
I'm got laundry to finish, after-supper mess to clean and homework to check.
(I seriously thought about shaving my legs a post or two ago, but the notion was fleeting. It's only MARCH. Why waste a shave?)
I can't read another post, or IF I DO I can't comment, b/c I'll look like a stalker. Mua-ha-ha.

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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