Ask Me Monday: Hello 2010

It’s been a long while since I’ve done and Ask Me Monday post.

I’m trying to start this year off right, by sticking to my preconceived-in-my-mind-only-not-shared-with-others-to-prevent-anyone-from-noticing-when-I-deviate-from-it schedule.

Doing this is part of my theme for the year: AWESOMENESS (wait wasn’t that supposed to be my theme last year? I really mean it this time. Get it right…AWE-SOME-NESS).

That means being AWESOME (100%, everyday baby), looking AWESOME (is there something wrong with reflective warm up suits and Looney Tunes t-shirts?), feeling AWESOME (totally bustin’ a cap in this cold’s a**), and, appreciating AWESOME in everything, from people (like the kids, the Hubby, the extended fam, and you guys) to products (What do you get when you cross Oprah’s Favorite Things with Dumb Mom? Awesome stuff normal humans can afford of course!).

So, I figured this would be a perfect way to jump off the new year.

By focusing on me (just as a way of setting a precedent for the remainder of the year).

A little crash course on Dumb Mom and her dumb life (which from time to time requires that I refer to myself in the 3rd person), because I know you all have been dying to get behind enemy lines.

Find out what makes Dumb Mom tick so you can destroy me!

Not sure what’s up with the paranoia (that’s not AWESOME at all).

Maybe it’s because The Dudes have taken to sneaking up on me.

Something about my scared face is apparently very humorous to them.

Whatever, when I soil myself and give them a taste of what their future holds (when I’m an 85 year old diaper wearing ex diva) they will be sorry.

Anyway, moving right along to the reason we are here today…

Inquiring Minds want to know, and as such, I’m obliged to tell:

Question

Many of you (okay, so I use the word many loosely to mean one or two) have asked about how I get free crap and involved with other PR type stuff (like Mighty Media Girls) .

Answer

Well this one is easy.

It’s because I’m AWESOME, duh (didn’t you read the beginning of this post?)!

Actually, some of it (like the MM Girls business) has really just been a case of knowing the right people and being awesome.

I’ve only been blogging for a year, so I’m just starting to get to know a lot of bloggers. And, just like a regular job, blogging is largely about networking and making connections. I know a handful of successful bloggers; no one HUGE, but successful. And they are really good about helping us little people.

But, it does help that I am just so dang nice and sweet and easy to get a long with that people just want me involved in their campaigns.

You know, it’s my face. I think it just oozes marketability and really draws people in.

Yeahright.

It’s really more the case that I’m not clever enough, devious enough, or ambitious enough to outshine any one else, nor am interested in doing so, and, I follow directions like nobody’s business (possibly because I’m generally so brain dead from exhaustion that without directions I’m completely inactive and idealess). All of these things combine to make me the PERFECT marketing campaign candidate.

And, it does help that I really am nice (shut up BFF, I freakin’ am!).

As far as a lot of the free stuff, again it’s about knowing the right people, sorta. I don’t actually know many of them personally, but I’ve joined enough PR marketing groups (like Buzz Cooperative and BSM Media) to get offers that I like and think you will too. And, since I follow through, and don’t make it my personal vendetta to ruin companies whose products I’m not a fan of (I generally refrain from writing about suck products at all because why do you want to hear about crap I DON’T like? I prefer to focus on awesome stuff. You know, just to keep with the theme of things over here) they see me as a “safe bet” when it comes to sending me free products.

Feel free to contact me if you want to get more involved with doing reviews (although I suggest you limit them unless you really do want to do a dedicated review blog, just to keep a nice balance).

Question

How do I become an ifriend?

Answer

Again. This one is all about awesomeness (told you it was my theme for the year!).

I scour the net for cool people who give me awards I enjoy reading. Then I beg them (on virtual hands and knees of course) to do me the honor of guest posting on my blog.

Or.

You can just ask. And since I’m a weakling when it comes to saying no as long as your blog isn’t related to porn, Satan worship, or outer space, chances are you’re in.

ifriend fo’ life!

Incidentally, it’s the only way that your little button will probably ever make it onto my little blog (nothing personal, I just hate seeing all that stuff in my sidebar). ifriends get all the Dumb perks and privileges, including custom written Dumb Mom original poetry and the SO NOT DUMB Official Stamp of Approval (which is really just my button to place on your blog).

Question

What is it like living with all males?

Answer

Loud, unpredictable, smelly, tiring, frustrating, and some times frightening.

But, it’s also energizing, inspiring, challenging (in a good way), exciting, fun, and perfectly (way-to-stick-with-the-theme-of-things) Awesome.

While I may still be wasting my time pinning after a daughter to call my own, I can honestly say that I can’t imagine our family any differently (except with an added few hundred grand in the bank).

I have to admit that I like being the damsel in distress to be saved by the 3 Musketeers, the bonny lass being rescued by Jack Sparrow (#2), Will Turner (#1), and the monkey (#3), and the Princess Leia to their Luke (#1), Hans(#2), and Chewbacca (#3).

I can’t say that I’m totally over the idea of dressing up a princess of my own, but I can say that, as my friends’ daughters are rapidly approaching tweenhood there are some distinct elements of mother-to-a-daughterhood that I am glad to be missing out on.

At Casa de Dummies the giggling, the screaming, the divatude, and the moodiness are my domain and mine alone. I don’t have to share my PMSing limelight with anyone else and I’m pretty sure I like it that way.

Question

Why did Blog Baby win the last photo contest?

Answer

Because I effing said so.

And, because her photo was awesome.

But, since I’m not one to beat a dead horse (wack, wack, wack) let me just say that I hear ya’ people. You were all pumped and ready to see your crowd favorite walk away with the crown.

After all, this is America.

We like a democracy (even though most of us still don’t quite get that electoral college thingamajig), preferably of the majority rules variety.

We appreciate our right to vote, and expect, no, demand that things are run fairly (except for that one time, in Florida, and maybe a few hundred other times before that).

But, I don’t wanna be George or Jim or any of those other boring-name dudes.

I want to be me.

And, to make up for a few tough years in middle school (and maybe high school), I want you to like me.

So, in an effort to appease the masses, and to make you all feel like your votes mean something (because they do, I swear they do) my next photo contest, which will incidentally be droppin’ it like it’s hot on February 1st, will feature a FAN FAVORITE category that will be based entirely on number of votes received.

As long as it qualifies (meaning you submit it by the deadline and it matches the criteria I set forth) it will be eligible to win.

And I don’t care if you sell your eggs or street walk for votes, if you get the most, you win, no questions asked, no Dumb Mom interference, no ifs, ands, or BUTTS about it!

And, the prize isn’t gonna be some second-rate-thanks-for-playing bull crap. It’s gonna be AWESOME, ‘cause that’s just how I roll.

So, get your minds right, because the next round of rowdy will be here before you know it.

At the moment, the contest theme is TOP SECRET (aka if-I-tell-you-I-have-to-kill-you-confidential), but I’ll give you a hint: no kids involved, it’s all about you and your awesome and it may require you to visit your parents. I know, it may not sound fun, but it will be.

Promise!

Feel free to send in your own questions for Dumb Mom to answer for Ask Me Monday, a monthly feature on parenting BY dummies.*

*Questions submitted do not have to be solely about Dumb Mom and her Dumb Family, they can be on any topic you can think of it so long as you don’t hold Dumb Mom liable should the answer provided prove to be inaccurate, improbable, or flat out false.

GOAL!

That's right, baby!

It's soccer season!

You know, real futbol!

Kidding! Don't get your jock strps in a bunch, I'm not trying to dis good-old-fashioned-down-home-this-is-a-way-of-lfe-not-just-a-past-time American football.

But, in our house, it's all about soccer because that's what the dudes are into.

And, they are REALLY into it.

It's funny because when I was a kid, no one played soccer.

No. One.

They forced it on us like twice a year in P.E. (where I was some how always shoved into the goal as the "goalie", and the ball rarely came towards me, and then when it did, the real goalie who was some bigger, faster, stronger boy jumped in front of me while I frantically blocked my face and ran back and forth in front of the opening trying to avoid ball contact entirely. So, I'm not an athlete.).

I saw it being played by the kids in the background of those Feed The Children videos in Guatemala (or wherever they were).

But, it wasn't like it is now.

No one was bending it like Beckham (possibly b/c the hottest, most delicious soccer player on the planet was still running around in his nappies), Americans were largely ignorant of that Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole! soccer anthem, and being called a Soccer Mom had very little underlying conotation.

Here I am today, scouring my son's drawer to locate his Esapna jersey for practice, reading reviews about cleats, and contemplating how much I'm willing to spend on the sport provided he makes the travel team next season (fingers crossed!).

I'm convinced (you can fight for baseball all you want, Hubby, but don't get your hopes up) that these kids were born to play soccer.

#1 plays...



#2 plays...



and #3, well, he's a star in the making (please keep in mind that he is barely 19 months old)...



And, he's left footed! Did you get that future college scouts? LEFT. FOOTED!

Wait 'till you see the next live action installment of him dribbling (soccer term meaning he maneuvers the ball through short skillful taps or kicks) up and down the field.

The kid's got skiz-ils and, he's seriously as cute as Beckham, no question:)!

A Day Trip In Pictures

Yesterday. I did something awesome.

Something totally un-Dumb Mom-ish.

I (and my sidekick, aka Mimi) took my dudes to the city.



Baltimore City.

And, it was so fun!

Don't get too overexcited.

We didn't go anywhere daring (like the bus station).

But, we did go someplace fun!



I know, they don't look like they are about to have fun, but they totally did!

Port Discovery is a huge children's museum and (get ready for this) it's 100% hands-on-action-packed-even-#3-can't-break-it-three-levels of awesomeness.

When we first arrived and realized that to get in we'd have to pay $12.95 per person which came up to like 40 bucks or something (I'm no math whiz, you figure it out), I thought, "This place better be the bomb diggity."

And, you know what?

It kinda was.

After spending a good chunk of the day there I was able to put the cost into perspective: a movie is like $10 and this place was way better than a movie!

There were just tons of fun things to do.

#3 learned to drive.



#2 was able to get some shopping done and ring it up himself (now maybe he will quit jockin' me about it at the grocery store).



And, #1 got to lose himself (literally) in this 3 story monster of a climbing, sliding, crawling apparatus.



There was horse back riding...



Tomb Raiding...



Even a pick up soccer game...



And, while the place was primarily #3 proof, he did get to break something and no one even cared...



Okay, so maybe this one kid cared a little and possibly cried for like a couple of minutes, but that's it, and we totally thought she was done playing with it, and really, she should just be glad I have lightening quick reflexes because they are seriously the only thing that prevented her form being bludgeoned by #3 as he excitedly beat the crap outta this log cabin dealy with a stray stick.

But, other than that. All good.

We decided to enjoy lunch outside of the museum (can exit and reenter as much as you want between 10am and 5pm), you know, to take in some local cuisine.

So, to get a real taste of the inner city, we went here...



It may look familiar, but this was a special, Baltimore flavored version of the golden arches.

They had a custom soda dispenser (and by custom, I mean broke the hell up).



They had vintage, metal legged, high chairs (and by vintage, I mean old as hell, will probably collapse and severe a limb if you put your baby in them).



They had unique facilities (and by unique, I mean dirty as hell, thought for a minute we actually were at the bus station).

And, they even had a sign posted which stated that there was a 30 minute dine-in time limit. Woof it down kids, lest they think we're some kind of vagrants.

We didn't spend a lot of time there (less than 30 minutes, didn't want to cut it too close), and then high tailed it back over to the museum for more fun.

We finally left when #3 demonstrated that he was downright exhausted (he laid on the museum floor and tried to take a nap).

I thought it was a hit.

Actually I thought:

Cost of gas to museum: $20
Entrance fees to museum: $40
Seeing the dudes have unbridled, imaginative fun: priceless

And, then I went to pay for my parking and thought, Ah-Hell-to-the-no!

It was $13! I seriously coulda taken an extra kid into the museum for that price.

Way to ruin it, overpriced-non-validating-mother-thieving-parking-deck-owners.

All thanks goes to CK over at Bab Mommy Moments for encouraging me to think outside the I'm-pretty-sure-I'm-scared-to-go-out-in-public-with-my-kids box. Totally worth it!

My Acceptance Speech

I'd like to thank my director, my producer, my friends, and family.

Thank you to the academy...

Kidding!

It's all me baby, I'm not gonna thank the little people for my success, it's in spite of them, not because of them.

No, seriously. For this week's Thursday Thank You I'm gonna spend the day focusing on all of the lovely ladies in Blog Land who have been duped into thinking I'm in some way worthy of receiving their awards.

I know it seems like I am a self absorbed (sorta, but not totally), ungrateful (I say thanks like almost every time), loser (okay, I got nothin' on this one, 'cause it's obviously NOT true) who completely ignores your praise.

Not true.

I may not be very awesome when it comes to posting about awards I'm given, but I tell Mimi about it every time and then I send her and BFF over to your sites to stalk you and ensure that you don't post anything about taxidermy, bondage, or outer space, because in case you didn't know, those three things creep me out.

Should you post about any of these topics, please note that any award you bestow upon me will be considered defunct, and your comments on my blog will be blocked. I mean, a dead animal stuffing freakazoid who likes to tie people up in outer space has no business hanging out at Casa de Dummies (but vampires with sexy bed head, a-ok!). Although I'm sure you could give me a few pointers about how to tie a good knot, you know in case I need to restrain someone (cough, #2).

So, without further adieu, let me turn to the microphone over to the really awesome bloggers of this little place I like to call Blog Land.

Bloggers who I am bestowing my own little award of sorts on: The So NOT Dumb Blogger award. Feel free to install the parenting BY dummies button on your blog and tell people you are awesome, because I said so.



These ladies are all worth checking out because they rock (I mean, obviously, they all gave me awards, duh!). So click on their links, and tell them they are dope and I'll be so happy. And, I know that's what everyone really wants, right? For PBD to be happy?!

1. The Confused Homemaker: So NOT Dumb because she always leaves the nicest comments, and she talks about all kinds of smart stuff over on her blog. She is anything but confused.

2. The Triplet Crown: So NOT Dumb because anyone who can have three kids of the same age and not shoot their left arm off is a genius in my book.

3. The Wannabe WAHM: So NOT Dumb because while she didn't give me an actual award, she featured me, which is even mo' betta!

4. I Know This Much: So NOT Dumb because she gets all excited (and nervous, and palm-sweaty-do-a-quick-pit-stank-check dorky) about making a real life friend, just like me. It may appear to be a little dumb at first glance, but it totally is NOT.

5. Orange Juice.: So NOT Dumb because some way, some how she's got her ear to the blog-land-giveaway streets and she always hosts the best giveaways (I even won once!) or at least can tell you who is hosting exactly what you're looking for. She's like the Perez Hilton of blogging giveaways because she's got all the dirt and she don't mind spilling it (in a super nice way, of course, not at all trashy or mean like someone we know). But she is fun-ny too which makes her double awesome.

Thank you, and you're welcome.



Note reads: Dear, Beth, Mira, Sophia's Mom (name hidden too well for me to locate), Courtney, and OJ thank you for honoring me with awards. I completely appreciate them even though I will probably sully them all by not following the instructions or passing them on to others. Sorry, I'm 100% committed to repeatedly sucking in this way:)! Hope my sappy-love-fest-of-a-kiss-up post makes up for it. Oh, and my homemade (well not really, Katie from Sunshine and Bubblegum made it for me but under my direction so it's sorta the same, no?) button/award, let's not forget that. Feel free to give it away. There are no directions or expectations associated with it at all. Just feel the love, people. Feel. The. Love.

P.S. If I missed you I give you express written permission to send me an email at parentingbydummies[at]gmail[dot]com and tell me I suck and stuff. This is a one time use permission slip and it expires at midnight tonight. Please note, all hate mail received after this time will immediately be moved to the "oh-it's-on" box.

Wordless? Wednesday

You know how I am with words.

I'm talkative, so shoot me!

Actually, I wanted this to speak for itself, but I couldn't leave it alone.

So, sorry, sort of.

Watch your daughters, ladies. The overweight lover's in the house!




Don't hate!

The story you've all been waiting for...

is finally here.

I know I led you on, teased you about our exciting return trip from Atlanta.

So, here it is, the story you have all been waiting for.

The captain has turned on the fasten seat belts sign.

And, people, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Actually, for us, it wasn't all that bumpy.

The flight down was much more challenging because we were dealing with exhaustion, which causes crankiness, which causes widespread frustration. And, eventually leads people to feeling like this.

Our return flight didn't depart ATL until 11am so #3 was able to sleep until a reasonable hour, enjoy his breakfast at a table, and play outside while we packed the car.

He was in good spirits at the airport, and we boarded the plane with a relatively happy baby.

The only issue was that 11am in not nap time, it's his play time. And dog gone it, he was gonna have himself a play.

Not the easiest thing to accomplish on a jet manufactured circa 1978 featuring the narrowest aisles you can imagine. We made due by letting him walk himself up the aisle, and back down, and back up, and back down, and... you get the picture, which I'm sure pissed off the man and woman flirting across the aisle, the overweight businessman who died fell asleep with arms and legs strewn all about, and the ambiguously gay flight attendant who gave me three snaps up in zee formation when #3 bumped into his rear end.

My bad.

But, none of our shenanigans could compare to the freak show performed by the 4 seemingly normal, older people sitting directly across from us.

Just as #3 got settled into his seat and was showing signs that a nap might be on the horizon, Old Broad sitting in the aisle seat (directly across and one seat up from us; I know I need a diagram) decided she was also in the mood for a cat nap, and attempted to recline her chair.

No, biggy?

No. Biggy. Because, as previously mentioned, this jet was so old, and small, and cramped that the guy directly across from us (behind Old Broad) was a little on the tall side and was, therefore, forced to ride the entire flight with his knees firmly attached to the chair in front of him (Old Broad's chair).

His body provided resistance; she continued to push.

She pushed back; he pushed forward.

She turned around and said, through clenched teeth, "I would like to put my seat back."

He replied, "Sorry ma'am, but I've got no room back here."

She didn't care, and stated, "Well, that is not my problem. I'd like to put my seat back."

So she back (a little more determine this time); he pushed forward (a little more resistance).

This went on for, what seemed like forever but was probably only about a minute.

Then, Old Broad's obviously Frustrated Husband got involved.

"Hey, buddy, she wants to put her seat back. She's allowed to put her seat back!"

At this point, since he is virtually shouting, all passengers in the immediate area are alerted to begin silently watching the debacle take place. That would include one previously agitated one year old who also decided this show was much more important than anything else going down on the plane.

Old Broad persisted with her attempts to recline her chair. Tall Man continued to provided more than adequate resistance.

And then it happened.

Frustrated Husband took his magazine, all rolled up into a tubular shaped fighting machine, and whacked Tall Man a couple of times.

Screaming (mostly provided by Tall Man's Wife) ensued.

Laughing erupted (ok, that was me).

And the flight attendants finally showed up to provide an intervention.

The result: Old Broad got to put her chair back about a quarter of an inch, and I got to ride the rest of the trip in comfort, because while a baby is a pain to ride with on the plane, at least his behavior is understandable, expected. Not many people expect to see a group of 60 year old grown ups behave like they are on a preschool play yard.

Oh, and I got a lovely little edition to my daily blog:)

So, thank you Old Broad, Frustrated Husband, Tall Man, and Tall Man's Wife. Your performance was excellent. As thrilling as it was unexpected. As ridiculous as it was awesome.

You should be so proud.

100 baby-baby

This is my 100th post!!!!!

Can you freakin' beleive it?

Amazing. I guess I just have tons to say b/c I really only started this blog in December and have already cranked out 100 posts. That's what happens when the people you spend your day with only like to talk about one thing: themselves.

Anyway.

To celebrate I'm gonna have a big fat cupcake fruit smoothie with fat free frozen yougurt, strawberries, bananas, wheat germ, and orange juice.

You, my friends are going to do what you can to enter my very first contest featureing something I L-O-V-E.

Crawler Covers.

They are those cute little baby leg warmer/big kid arm warmer things that are so flippin' cute and functional I can't hardly stand it.



I love putting them on #3 just b/c he hates wearing pants and because he looks so cute in them.



And, I let #1 and #2 wear them too even though they think they are like ninja accesories or something.

Regardless, they are DOPE! And, since this awesome little Etsy seller (who is the longest running maker/seller of crawler covers) had a buy one get on free special (which is still going on) I decided to share the love and give away my free pair to you all (even though I really just want to keep them) since I love and appreciate all of your comments.

So, here it is.



And, the rules.

Keeping it simple for dumb moms like me:
1. Reply to this post (1 entry)
2. Follow my blog (2 entries)
3. Add me to your blogroll and post a link with your comment (3 entries)
4. Follow me on Twitter, and then Tweet about my contest (4 entries)
5. Blog about me the contest (5 entries)


Last day to enter will be Friday.

Good luck. May the force be with you.

Photo of the Day

You know me, can't ever choose just one.