On the Wings of Love

That’s not the corniest, most ridiculous title in the history of corny, ridiculous titles at all!

Yeahright.

But, it’s kinda to be expected when you think about who the Bachelor is this go ‘round.

That’s right people!

Guess who’s back in the mother effing house, with a fat…okay never mind.

It appears that my excitement over the premier of the new season of The Bachelor has caused me to not only take my Snoop D-O-double G reference a little too far, but to also get a bit ahead of myself. I’ve not taken time to give all of you non-Bachelor watchers (are there women who are still not watching The Bachelor?) a little background on the show.

So, let me back up.

The Bachelor Season 14: A History

Meet Jake Pavelka, pilot, all-American boy next door, pilot, Texan, woodworker, pilot, seeker of love, lover of the sky, did I mention that he’s a pilot (just wanted to be sure you realized that Jake is a pilot in case the multiple references to that fact on last night’s premiere escaped you).

He is one of the many memorable characters from last season of The Bachelorette in which Jillian, one of The Bachelor Season 13 rejects, gave him the boot in favor of Wes the Mess (and a few other slightly more normal dudes).

Following his scorned exit, Jake came back to rat Wes and his music-promoting-girlfriend-hiding ways out to Jillian to prevent her from making a huge mistake, because she deserved to know the truth, since he just wanted her to be happy yada-yada-yada-blah-blah-blah.

As a result of Jake’s appearance on The Bachelorette I determined that he was annoyingly sweet in the anti-bad boy way I generally find unattractive in dudes I’d like to hook up with.

I mean, I’m all for nice guys not finishing last or whatever, but I’m pretty sure that some of them wind up that way because they deserve it.

I enjoy a man with a little swagger, and contrary to Jake’s revamped image (did you see the leather jacket and the motorcycle? Apparently even ABC thought he could benefit from a little spicing up), I’m just not convinced that he’s got any.

I can’t put my finger on the exact thing about Jake that made me root against him on the Bachelorette, maybe I just found him too good to be true, but I can assure you it wasn’t his looks, ‘cause the dude is hot.

Not like JT, or TI hot, but definitely like Barbie’s-dude-Ken hot. At least as far as his body goes.

I’m not too excited about him facially, but you know, even it’s not horrible or anything, and with a body like that, you don’t necessarily have to have the best face. I mean look at Grace Jones. Okay, bad example. That lady was just scary and her body didn’t even come close to making up for that fact. But, you get my point.

My hope is that I can overlook his strange arrival on his motorcycle/funny eyebrow curling thingy/lack of engaging personality and fall in love with him a little because I just can’t get deeply into the show (the way I like to) enough to care who he winds up with unless I’m a fan.

There has not been one season of the Bachelor that I didn’t watch obsessively from start to finish, so Jake, don’t eff this thing up for me!

Episode one: Dumb Mom Wants Answers

After watching last night’s premiere episode of the show and meeting all of the hopefuls, I feel a lot of confusion and can imagine that you are feeling similarly.

I have so many questions for the girls, for Jake, for ABC, for myself. Here are the most pressing, in random order.

1. Where were all of the normal chicks? I actually know a very normal girl who applied to be a member of the make-Jake-love-me cast, but she doesn’t have fake boobs, hair extensions, a bad attitude, a secret kid, a hidden divorce, or a stupid job title to showcase so I guess that’s why she didn’t make the cut. Woulda been nice to see her as one of the three normal chicks on the show who I predict will make it very close to the end along with two other complete biotches who are hiding their evil ways from our Bachelor to the chagrin of all of us watching and the girls stuck in the house with them. Same story, different people, that’s why I love it.
2. Why didn’t I became a nanny? Somehow even they can afford fake boobs these days.
3. What on earth is a “fake fiancé”, and why don’t you hear the mental imbalance oozing from your voice when you say that you have one?
4. Bachelorette Michelle, are you seriously crying BEFORE the first rose ceremony AND letting him see you do it? Oh, and how many times are you gonna bring up the copilot thing? We get it, it’s a play on his profession, stop it already you sound like ABC. And, you really jumped the holy-psycho-Batman shark when you were talking to Jill and Ed. Even Jill, most gullible chick in America, could see the somethin’-ain’t-right juices oozing offa you.
5. Bachelor Jake, haven’t you ever seen The Bachelor? Your friends told you not to pick the “over emotional” one and you did anyway. Bachelor history states that, if a girl is “too emotional” it usually just means that she is gonna be needy, and cryey, and annoying for the entire season making it difficult for you to sufficiently make out with all the hot chicks you know you aren’t gonna pick but want to take for a spin before you cut ‘em. Your bad.
6. Did the Cambodian chick want to freak him out on the first episode? Telling him he can have his way with you land his plane on your landing strip doesn’t make you sound freaky at all. Jake is the Bachelor this season, silly, not Wes.
7. Did anyone else want that chick playing “airplane” with him to fart?
8. Was it just me, or did the 40 year old virgin speed things up a bit with kissing him on the first meeting? Someone maybe shoulda practiced more in high school ‘cause you aren’t really supposed to cry afterwards. You’re supposed to fist pump and then go tell all the other chicks about it so they can hate you openly. Or, you can just wait until he gives you the first impression rose for your efforts. Either way, you are officially he biotch to beat now. Game on, Tenly (what kinda name is that anyway?).
9. Does anyone even know what a Fit Model is?
10. How sad is it that I already picked my favorites and it’s based largely on the fact that I identify with their lack of coordination. I’m hoping Ashleigh, the chick that nearly broke his nose by falling into his face at the beginning, and Ali, who ripped the crap outta her dress by stepping on it and nearly eating the pavement in the process, make it to the end. The fact that he kept both of them gives girls like me hope that even though nearly busting your a$$ by falling down stairs, up stairs, and under buses (yep, I’ve been there) may not be sexy per se, but it’s still somehow appealing in that cute, endearing, needy-cute-not-needy-crazy sorta way. At least that’s what I like to tell myself when I’m crawling out from under a bus.

Looks like this season will be one for the ages.

Screaming, fighting, kissing, scheming, kissing, flying, kissing show producers instead of Jake (way to go ABC for that one), fighting, and kissing is what we viewers have to look forward to for the next few weeks.

Lucky for me, my idea of quality entertainment pretty much only requires two things: kissing and fighting. All the extra stuff is a bonus!

Which is why I decided to pass on the Conveyor Belt of Love that ABC decided to show following The Bachelor. Although it promises to involve tons of tongue bathing kissing, it didn’t look like there would be any rumbling goin’ on.

Besides, we Bachelor fans are way too classy for the likes of Conveyor Belt of Love and I’m a little sad that ABC thought we would appreciate a show of that caliber.

No. Thank you.

So, Bachelor watchers, here’s my question of the week: Which Bachelorette was the first to cry, setting up a precedent that at least four others fall into before the show signs off for the night at 10:02pm?

There is a so-small-it’s-hardly-worth=it-but-it’s-the-thought-that-counts-right? prize that will be given randomly to one of the people who get it correct.

See you back next week Bach-heads!