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Friday, March 12, 2010

RanDumb: Replay Edition

There are some things I can’t ignore.

Can’t turn my back on, look the other way, turn the other cheek.

There are episodes and events, things said or insinuated, that I can’t overlook.

Can’t forget.

Or pretend didn’t happen.

Can’t act like I didn’t hear, or pretend that it didn’t matter.

Lines drawn in the sand that are begging to be crossed.

One of those things, the most important of those things, is a challenge.

And, not just any sort of challenge.

I can pass up a battle of the brains, a cooking challenge, a bake off, a foot race.

Those things are meaningless; child’s play if you will.

But one thing I can’t pass up is…


Oh yeah.

I said it.

I’m a sucker for a dance off.

Not just because I find them awesome, but also because, I friggin’ rock those things.

I can dance circles around most humans.

I’m not bragging, I’m just sayin’.

I am THE TRUTH on the dance floor.

There’s fact, and then there’s fiction.

This, friends, is a fact.

Check it…

Go ahead. Replay it.

Now, you may be wondering what’s with the kimono, and all I can say is that I like it, that’s what.

And, that when I’m kickin’ it at The Casa, I’m pretty much always kickin’ it in a kimono.

And it’s silk.

And it’s straight outta Japan (thanks Mimi and Papa!).

I’m not bragging, I’m just sayin’.

And, yes, if you are participating in the Supah Mommy & Shell Dance Your Bloggy Off Contest this week, that was a 10,000!


Because I’m a pro at being awesome.

I literally excel at just that.

I’m like the captain of awesome in the Tri-State area. Not sure which three states that includes (just pick some, I’ve got ‘em covered), but yeah, that’s me El Capitan, I mean La Capitan.

I’m not bragging, I’m just sayin’.*

Now go over and vote for me so I don’t have to show up to your house with my boom box and my kimono and do the Cabbage Patch on your a$$!

Now that we’ve gotten that outta the way, how about a little Blab Fest?!

Let’s talk The View, because the fact that Jessie Ventura was on there this week promoting a book is pretty freakin’ RanDumb if I do say so myself.

I mean, I’m usually all for anyone who would refer to themselves as “The Body”, but seriously with the conspiracy theories?

I’m not saying they don’t exist, I’m just saying I don’t care. With the laundry piling up around here and the upper respiratory infections jumping around like it’s the House of Pain, I don’t have time to think about super-secret government super weapons and Aztec-inspired apocalyptic prophecies.

I don’t waste my time researching junk like that.

I Google important crap like: how to get gum out of your hair and what does yellow snot mean.


What did my girl Keri have to say about “The Body”?

“Umm, this dude seems a little strange to me. First of all, if you're trying to convince the American people that there's a conspiracy going on in Washington, don't come on a show with your hair looking the way it did. Seriously. On another note, I do hear what he's saying. I've heard my share of conspiracy theories especially with a hubby in the military. At the end of the day, no matter what we do, people will always be fishy. So who cares! I just gotta live my life and not pay attention to things that'll take away from my happiness. It takes too much durn work.”

That’s right, Kerri, people are fishy. We like to call them shady around here, but same same.

Overall, I’m a huge believer in America.

I feel lucky to have been born in a country in which most citizens have regular stuff, like water to drink that doesn’t also serve as the cow bath, and no polio. Did you know that some countries still have wild polio running around?! Not. Cool.

So, yeah, America, conspiracy theorists and all, is a-okay in my book.

But there are a few people/things I could 100% live without, like…

…people who drive under the speed limit on the freeway.

…people who take all the crabs at the buffet table (this one’s for you Bruncle!).

…people who take off their shoes at the restaurant and then walk up to the buffet table bare foot (also for Bruncle. Anyone wanna guess where he lives?!).

…people who lie about stuff I don’t care about, like Rozlyn, if you hooked up with that producer just admit it already, nobody even cares!

…celebrities** who ignore my Tweets. Except for Justin Timberlake. He can ignore me forever and I’ll still love him.

…that mom at gymnastics class who used to be a gymnast and who always has to call stuff by it’s Bela Lugosi given name. It’s not a freakin’ pike, it a toe touch. Calm down Mary Lou, they are TWO YEAR OLDS!

…parents who ridicule their kids on the field. I mean, we can all see your kid is slow, no need to point it out by screaming at him. Break his spirit in private so we don’t have to watch. It’s uncomfortable.

…people who are stuck up, but don’t really have a good reason to be.

…Jessica Biel, for obvious reasons.

…the dbag who lets his dog crap in my side yard. I mean it’s still my yard, it’s just my side yard.

…whoever campaigned to get all of these stop signs put into our neighborhood. It now takes me like 15 minutes to get outta this place when it used to only take 3. I know, you say it’s for safety, but seriously, if you tell your kids not to walk super slow so that I want to run them down in the MIDDLE OF THE STREET that would probably help.

…people who don’t leash their wildly-misbehaved-frothy-mouthed dogs and then when the muddy pawed behemoth runs up to my baby at the park and scares the deuce outta him yell that, “He’s friendly, he won’t hurt you!” Maybe not, but now that my child has messed himself I’m considering hurting you and your stupid head mutt.

…tons of others as I’m turning into a crotchety old broad and I’m only like 30 (or something like pretty much the same thing as 30).

…people who slaughter the National Anthem. Actually, no one should have to live without people like that. And now you don’t have to!


P.S. Head over to Mrs. 4444's place and get in on the Friday Fragment Fun!

P.S.S. I forgot to add my The View Disclaimer last week and possibly some other times before that. Dunno. Not sure. Anyway, they think it's important to let you know that they are gonna send me a tote bag or a coffee cup or 1 million dollars because I agreed to share what I love or hate or love to hate about the show. Sure tricked them, eh?! I do that for nada every day of the week baby! So, in case you're keeping score, that's 1 for Dumb Mom, 0 for the other guys.

*For reals, what I excel at is trash talking. I should give a workshop on that, because I don’t believe any of what I say, but I sound like I do, and that’s what matters!

**this would included bloggers who think they might almost be pretty much celebrities


Kerry said...

That National Anthem video was H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S ( I totally had to keep checking to make sure I was spelling hilarious right, lol).

Anywhoo, sweet kimono and dancing chica!! ;)

Kerry said...

Oh yea, how come you're not jumping on the Macaroni Kid band wagon? It's SUPER fun!! C'mon girl!! Come to the Macaroni Kid side (insert scary Poltergeist voice here) lol

Maggie S said...

Um, is someone in the background of that video sewing curtains? Because my filter is blocking it.

Of course, it is all a conspiracy, because,...I forget.

Y'all are right, though. I am a little far away from the seat of "secret powers" to worry with it. I got stuff to do.

Rebecca said...

You're an awesome'd better win!

Yes, it is obvious why you hate Jessica Biel...she stole your man!

Jennifer said...

That game looks totally cool. My Baby Girl would love it. And of course you totally rocked it.

singedwingangel said...

I so want that game.. but not cause my fat tail is gonna be videoing myself NOPE NOT no way no how... OK the cop and the anthem ummm seriously dud just take the uniform off now till you can learn to read.. I mean the singing itself was bad enough but the made up words and crap so

Caution Flag said...

The last time I saw Jessie Ventura on a show, I couldn't stop laughing. What happened to his hair?

I need to dance. Now. Thanks for the motivation.

Kmama said...

Awesome!! You did rock the song...and the kimono! ;-)

LOL at the gymnastics mom!! That would be so annoying!

Chelle said...

The kids have been wanting that game and bugging me like crazy. I keep telling them no. But after watching your video I just might end up getting it!

stopping by from SITS

Krista said...

Love love love the kimono!!

and what was up with that anthem??

okay gotta go practice my half lutz double dismount pike move.

gina said...

Loving the kimono! And you smacked my a$$, so I'm not dissin' . I can do a mean running man though if ya ever do wanna throw down...

Lolli said...

You are awesome. Totally my hero. Can't wait to hang tomorrow!

Much More Than Mommy said...

Love, love, LOVE your dance off video!!!

Anonymous said...

You rock! I love the kimono

And damnit, why does there have to be another conspiracy book about 911?! They all say the same thing, and they all convince my husband. Dude, they're not written by actual engineers and scientists.

And anyone who butchers the National Anthem that long has to listen to 30 hours of the crappiest songs on earth.

Lisa said...

10000! YOU GO GIRL! I am so not worthy!

Shell said...

I am jealous of your kimono. Why does that word look wrong? Probably b/c I can't spell any more....

You better go bust some heads or something b/c I haven't seen any votes for you yet.

Mommy Lisa said...

WOW you were Victoria Beckham - Posh Fabulous!

Deann said...

Wow, nice job! You look like a pro for sure :)

SupahMommy said...

awww sweet momma mia

the only part
i want to speak about
since you beat my ass

is the SNAP part.

" snap" 10 thousand baby

I know whih spice girl you'd be.

cocky spice.


love it.
u r. MINE. don't you be knockin on kerri's door.. i will HARM you .

and the bela mom. sweet.
that is awesome.
My kid can do a ..
PIKE TUCK REVERSAL ( somersault)

I am so HONORED that you participated in something of MINE. FINALLY ..

i think i have 65 of ur teeth over here. <---that i pulled .. who woulda thought.. a little SMACK TALKITY DANCE OFF challenge would pull you in


The Grasshoppa:Triplets Plus Two Momma said...

OMG---we are so drinking Mimosa at Philly. you coming to Philly, right? I got toast Sippy's with you.

I loved how you could see the gal on the TV while you all wiggling your thang!!!!


Anonymous said...

Ok, first off, that kimono is kickin!

Second, you rocked that dance! I so need to get that game to get off my fat butt and maybe lose a lil.

Now, third, OMG someone needs to give that cop a Lrn2Rd medal or something. He had a paper with him, did it not have the words on it?

Jennifer said...

I am LMAO that you used a Spice Girls song.. but you totall rocked it!! That game looks awesome!

Mrs4444 said...

I voted for you!!! :) (nice outfit, haha)

Slow drivers in the LEFT LANE drive me CRAZY!!!

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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