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Thursday, August 20, 2009

My toddler, My teacher

This week on Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, she asked us to talk about things our toddlers have taught us.

My toddler has done plenty in an attempt to improve my knowledge, skills, and abilities for everyday living and interaction. I can't say he's been successful, but he certainly gets and A for effort.

Things My brainiac-know-it-all-19-month-old toddler has taught me:

1. I'm not very athletic. After various failed attempts at athletic expression throughout high school, I pretty much surmised that organized sports aren't my bag. But, I have had an athletic physique so I just assumed that I could perform athletic type activities with some amount of ease. Not so. Thanks to my toddler being an overachiever in the energy department, I now know that I am quite possibly the least athletic, uncoordinated, inflexible human being on the planet. I get winded just thinking about chasing him around all day, I trip over my own feet when I try, and since he's perfected the fake shake (you know, the shoulder shimmy, spin move) to allude me when I attempt to catch him, I find myself suffering from various "unexplained" injuries. The kid is so quick I seriously thought he broke both of my ankles the other day.

2. I'm creative in the mechanical engineering sort of way. In an effort to make up for my lack of athletic ability, I have devised numerous apparatuses designed to restrain, rebuff, and/or redirect my toddler's efforts to rearrange, destroy, and overtake my life. It's all about using your baby inspired imagination. See...

This is a photo of our entertainment center table thingy. In purchasing it, my main requirement was that it be on wheels so that I could relocate it in the event of an emergency (and, when I say emergency, I mean my toddler). The wheels have come in handy, allowing me to easily turn it around to prevent him from fondling all of the items kept in the drawers (now facing the wall). Sadly, he recently discovered the wheels also and has learned that he can inch it out enough to create the perfect, mom proof, hiding spot. So, back to the drawing board, Mommy.

3. Guerrilla tape is the new duct tape. The stuff can hold an angry rhinoceros (and, again, by angry rhinoceros I mean my toddler).

4. I need coffee. I didn't start drinking coffee until after I stopped nursing #3 when he turned 1 (and became independently mobile). Now, I seriously can not face my day (or my kids) without the stuff. It's like crack, only legal and devoid of the yo-mama's-a-crack-ho stigma that would undoubtedly plague my children for life.

5. I'm slightly inappropriate. #3's first sentence was "Oh, crap!". Coulda been worse, I guess. Definitely coulda been better. I do an awesome job about not cursing in front of the kids (BFF on the other hand is a whole other story!), so it's not that. It's the more innocuous words that I don't think are particularly bad, but aren't necessarily good when they come out of the mouth of a 1 year old. Like, "this sucks" and "that's gay" and "you're an idiot". In my defense (since I'm guessing I need one), 99% of the time it's not my fault (because, let's face it, nothing ever is). It's the bad drivers of the world that make me say nasty things in front of the kids; they require it.

Which leads me to this week's Thursday Thank You (notice I'm quickly running out of thank you cards and am now resorting to child labor for their creation!).

To all the drivers out there who think they are good but are actually hideously bad.

Thank you, and you're welcome.

Card Reads: Dear Bad driver, Thanks for giving me time to paint my toenails, clean out my purse, and compose the first few chapters of my memoirs this afternoon. Who knew I accomplish so much in the (normally) 20 minute commute from my house to work. I appreciate your attention to detail (the stop sign had a chance to actually wave hello, you sat at it so long). I applaud your courtesy (although abruptly stopping in an intersection to let someone in, is not particularly safe). I commend your bravery (however, in the future, you might consider signaling before you cut off a semi). And, you are quite possibly the most law abiding citizen in my county; you never even came close to the speed limit (I bet you get extra point for that one). Congratulations. Keep up the good work, Loser! XOXO, Dumb Mom


Deb said...

I will have to try Guerrilla tape. Does it come in clear? Since clear duct tape has been my on-the-fly form of toddler-proofing as they figure out how to get into stuff.

My toddlers have taught me that being classy is overrated.

Life with Kaishon said...

I have been needing duck tape for the longest. Thanks for reminding me : ).

So funny about the entertainment center being the perfect hiding place. That kid of yours is genius : )

confused homemaker said...

yes definitely worse things than "oh crap" makes me think of that skit with Will Ferrell and the little girl who's his landlord. That kid she had a filthy mouth.

kisatrtle said...

I need some of this guerrilla tape.

Mira is triplet crown said...

I'm so worried about my language in front of the kids. They must know a heck of a lot of bad words and you know you're right? It's all from driving!

You should try driving out here, the slow driver capital of the world. After living over there on the east coast where everyone's in a hurry? California's sense of relaxed no need to get anywhere anytime soon is a nightmare.

McMom said...

Ah, life with three boys. I know it well. I've got to get me some of that Guerrilla tape!

TheSingleGirl said...

Super-funny-awesome post.

I liked it.


Jennifer said...

Those are all really good lessons. I was going to try that prompt, but I couldn't think of anything that didn't involve living on so little sleep.

Erin said...

When my son said "Oh cwap" The hubs just laughed and said good thing it came from me first and not him!

The guerrilla tape might come in handy with my 2 boys, especially when the 2nd one starts walking...what WAS I thinking? lol

Anonymous said...

Love the lessons! On the driver note - you and my hubby would get along REALLY well. He so could have written that exact note!!!

TKW said...

Note to self: Must purchase Guerrilla tape.

{Kiki} said...

Great entry for WW. I think I will have to pick up some of that Guerilla tape for my kiddo's mouth. We have to be mindful of our language around lil' D. He is a repeater and gets us in trouble with the grandparents. Have a wonderful day and take care.

The Blonde Duck said...

Duck tape is fabulous.

Aleta said...

Hehe, love the list that your toddler taught you! Especially the one about the language you use. It definitely could be worse. Kudos to your for keeping the cuss words away from the baby!

ck said...

We can never, ever, EVER get our toddlers together. They'll have us locked out of the house in 5 minutes flat, desperately trying to break back in your house through you new windows. Then we'll just give up and get coffee. Pray the house is still standing when we get back. Actually, that doesn't sound so bad. What are you guys doing tomorrow?

Anonymous said...

Stupid bad drivers. Evan has learned "Moron." Thankfully he thinks it's an animal with horns. (He came up with that by himself. Don't assume.)
You and ck need to learn to pick locks.

Jen Sue Wild said...

I love it!! and I love that you are staying postive about his little antics..

LazyCrazyMama said...

HaHa! We love gorilla tape around here! And we have a play-yard gate thing around our entertainment center. The 2 year old will not stay away from it still! She finally figured out how to climb it and turns up the volume and messes with all the buttons!

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prerna said...

just came across your blog and loved it.. my toddler proofing is an ongoing struggle and while we don't get guerrilla duct tape here, i still manage with clear duct tape.. my daughter is relatively easy to manage, which makes it easy for me too :-)

BJ_Mama said...

You are TOO FUNNY! My toddler has taught me that I must blog at work. She doesn't allow me to do that sort of thing at home. It's funny, she let's daddy play on the computer whenever he wants :(

Nikki @ Blasian Baby said...

It's nice that your open to learning from such a smart little guy. LOL

LucyCooper said...

I am so with you on the coffee. In fact, that's been my consolation since my baby just weaned himself. Snuggle-nursing is over (sniff) but I am back on the hard stuff. No more of the bullshit known as decaf!

The Daily Fuss said...

This is too funny! My baby is only almost five months old and I realize how much I have to learn and how much fun we have ahead of us.

Thanks for sharing!

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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