My toddler, My teacher

This week on Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, she asked us to talk about things our toddlers have taught us.

My toddler has done plenty in an attempt to improve my knowledge, skills, and abilities for everyday living and interaction. I can't say he's been successful, but he certainly gets and A for effort.

Things My brainiac-know-it-all-19-month-old toddler has taught me:

1. I'm not very athletic. After various failed attempts at athletic expression throughout high school, I pretty much surmised that organized sports aren't my bag. But, I have had an athletic physique so I just assumed that I could perform athletic type activities with some amount of ease. Not so. Thanks to my toddler being an overachiever in the energy department, I now know that I am quite possibly the least athletic, uncoordinated, inflexible human being on the planet. I get winded just thinking about chasing him around all day, I trip over my own feet when I try, and since he's perfected the fake shake (you know, the shoulder shimmy, spin move) to allude me when I attempt to catch him, I find myself suffering from various "unexplained" injuries. The kid is so quick I seriously thought he broke both of my ankles the other day.

2. I'm creative in the mechanical engineering sort of way. In an effort to make up for my lack of athletic ability, I have devised numerous apparatuses designed to restrain, rebuff, and/or redirect my toddler's efforts to rearrange, destroy, and overtake my life. It's all about using your baby inspired imagination. See...



This is a photo of our entertainment center table thingy. In purchasing it, my main requirement was that it be on wheels so that I could relocate it in the event of an emergency (and, when I say emergency, I mean my toddler). The wheels have come in handy, allowing me to easily turn it around to prevent him from fondling all of the items kept in the drawers (now facing the wall). Sadly, he recently discovered the wheels also and has learned that he can inch it out enough to create the perfect, mom proof, hiding spot. So, back to the drawing board, Mommy.

3. Guerrilla tape is the new duct tape. The stuff can hold an angry rhinoceros (and, again, by angry rhinoceros I mean my toddler).

4. I need coffee. I didn't start drinking coffee until after I stopped nursing #3 when he turned 1 (and became independently mobile). Now, I seriously can not face my day (or my kids) without the stuff. It's like crack, only legal and devoid of the yo-mama's-a-crack-ho stigma that would undoubtedly plague my children for life.

5. I'm slightly inappropriate. #3's first sentence was "Oh, crap!". Coulda been worse, I guess. Definitely coulda been better. I do an awesome job about not cursing in front of the kids (BFF on the other hand is a whole other story!), so it's not that. It's the more innocuous words that I don't think are particularly bad, but aren't necessarily good when they come out of the mouth of a 1 year old. Like, "this sucks" and "that's gay" and "you're an idiot". In my defense (since I'm guessing I need one), 99% of the time it's not my fault (because, let's face it, nothing ever is). It's the bad drivers of the world that make me say nasty things in front of the kids; they require it.

Which leads me to this week's Thursday Thank You (notice I'm quickly running out of thank you cards and am now resorting to child labor for their creation!).

To all the drivers out there who think they are good but are actually hideously bad.

Thank you, and you're welcome.





Card Reads: Dear Bad driver, Thanks for giving me time to paint my toenails, clean out my purse, and compose the first few chapters of my memoirs this afternoon. Who knew I accomplish so much in the (normally) 20 minute commute from my house to work. I appreciate your attention to detail (the stop sign had a chance to actually wave hello, you sat at it so long). I applaud your courtesy (although abruptly stopping in an intersection to let someone in, is not particularly safe). I commend your bravery (however, in the future, you might consider signaling before you cut off a semi). And, you are quite possibly the most law abiding citizen in my county; you never even came close to the speed limit (I bet you get extra point for that one). Congratulations. Keep up the good work, Loser! XOXO, Dumb Mom