And, if nothing else, today deserves one.
Because today, #1 headed back here...
It's the first day of school for my happy little second grader.
Can't believe that a few short years ago he was scampering off to his first day of kindergarten.
He is so grown up, all intellectual and articulate.
And, the fact that he will soon no longer be my little boy is driven home (like a wooden stake through the heart) when a fast, bikini wearing,
Seriously!
I'm standing right here.
I am his mother and I demand that you unhand him at once!
He is not CA-UTE (okay, he is, but you can't say it), he is smart and friendly and a good sport and do you know that he has only lost like one tooth and I still pick out his clothes?!
In the name of all that is holy, unhanded him! Unhand him this very instant or so help me!
And, are you talking about him to your friends???
Honestly, how old are you (eyes narrow suspiciously), because I hate to be a kill joy, but he is ONLY 7! You're at least, what 19? 20?
13?!
You are only 13!
That is hardly the body of a 13 year old!
Okay. Deep breath. Don't tackle her, or drown her, or cover her with a towel.
She knows him. He's allowed to have female FRIENDS. Although, I'd prefer her to be a little more Roseann Barr and a little less Paris Hilton, but whatever, FRIENDS are okay.
But, for the record, if you are a vajay-jay owning, prepubescent, hoochie mama interested in interacting with my SEVEN year old, please fill out an application and you will be scheduled for an in depth interview at my earliest convenience.
Please bring in two photographs (one headshot, one full length), your resume, your school transcripts, and a detailed personal statement outlining your family history and your intentions for my son.
Once you have successfully completed your interview (which will include an in depth personality test and a lie detector test administered by a certified official) you will be placed on a waiting list and will be contacted after his 17th birthday (he needs a date for the prom after all).
Girls who know the lyrics to any Britney song (who I think is awesome, but not like, for marrying my son), have seen, or even heard of The Hills, or want to be Redskins cheerleaders when they grow up need not apply.
I (I mean, he) have standards people.
Want to win custom cards click here (and please don't use them to send to my son, we don't accept fan mail!).
