Mom Tip Tuesday: Let’s Talk About SEX Baby

Welcome to another Mom Tip Tuesday, the go to source for moms seeking ways to up their awesome.

This week’s topic is a big one; something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit lately: Having “The Talk” with The Dudes.

And, don’t try to act all innocent with me, you know exactly which “talk” I’m talking about.

Yeeeaaah. THAT one.

One of my main fears about being a mom to a daughter was the sex issue.

What to say, when to say it, should I use a diagram, get a book, a film?

But, when I realized that it would be just The Dudes, I sorta let myself off the hook.

I mean, that’s what Dumb Dad is for, right?

To teach them all about dude stuff (seeing how I’m in charge of pretty much everything else!)?

So, I’ve been talking to him about it lately.

Just sorta encouraging to do some recognizance with #1, find out what he knows, or doesn’t know about the whole thing (he is 8 after all and I figure someone, somewhere has shared with him some misinformation by this point).

And yeah, looks like he’s gonna be useless with this.

His idea of having “The Talk” is to wait ‘til they’re like 15, take them out to the garage, and say something along the lines of, “So, uh, you know about chicks? Got any questions?”, and pray that they are too embarrassed, too surprised, or too advanced to ask him anything.

Not cool.

You can’t wait until they are full blown chick magnets dudes (aka gone through the most excruciating parts of puberty) to have the becoming-a-full-blown-dude talk with them.

You have to ease them into things, so they know what to expect and what’s normal and how they should respond to their new feelings and dude parts and stuff.

After reading this post from Makes Me Wanna Holler, I sorta let Dumb Dad off the hook a bit, and decided to give him some more specific guidance.

Already we’ve sorta started the dialogue, mostly in regards to what’s appropriate (since #2 needs to repeatedly be reminded that, while girls love to be complimented, it’s not really okay for him to rub BFFs butt and tell her it’s “SO AWEEEsome”). And, we talk about sensations feelings, and the incessant hands in the pants, and just everyday stuff like that.

But, I’m looking ahead to getting more specific. Middle school will be here before I know it, and I’m thinking we should have it before then? Or maybe after then? Or, possibly during it? Not sure???

Because, I can avoid IT for as long as I want, but I’m guessing it ain’t gonna go away.

Is it?

Not likely, right?

I’ve not quite come up with what we’re gonna say (aka what he’s gonna say after I’ve coached him sufficiently)when the time comes to debunk the babies-come-from-Mommy’s-belly-because-God-puts-them-there-because-he-wants-to myth, but I’ve got a long list of what I’m NOT gonna do.

Since, you know, I sorta specialize in that; knowing exactly what NOT to do.

So here you have it, Dumb Mom’s Guide to Ruining Sex for Your Kids, ensuring that if they are getting some you’ll be the last one to know about it.

5. Show them this video.

If Sex Ed PSAs Were Realistic -- powered by Cracked.com

4. Let this guy tell them.

3. Provide them with porn condoms a Wet Wabbit sex paraphernalia without a valid explanation. Giving them a box of condoms and telling them to read the product insert sheet or “Google it” may seem like an easy-I’m-off-the-hook-because-Google-knows-everything, great idea, but lemme tell ya, it’s not. The Internet is a scary place for the sex novice; not only are there images that would scare an average human, but it’s a hotbed of misinformation. Besides, you want to break into a hot nervous related sweat have a dialogue with your children about this whole sex business. You want to be the one to provide them with factual information, to answer their questions (no matter how off the wall awkward and weird they are), and to give them the opportunity and the ability to be open and honest with you about their emotions and physical feelings. They may seem all a-ok when they are with their friends, but seriously, learning the ins and outs (pun intended) of this is spooky sh$t and you want to be a part of every spooky experience your kid has, right? Or, you could leave it to that over grown man child in your son’s gym class. You know the one that makes you think that the hormones in food have done some serious work on him because you’re pretty sure that he’s hookin’ up with your slutty neighbor he has David Beckham’s body and the facial hair of Joaquin Phoenix when he went nuts? Or even more scary, you could let your kid’s high school version of these guys fill him in (because every high school has these guys).

From what I can tell, they know as much about the responsibility and emotional strain that comes with having an intimate relationship with another person as I know about open heart surgery. Basically, anyone who calls it boning, laying pipe, banging, smackin’ it, hittin’ it or “pounding vaj” is probably not an option.

2. Forbid it. This approach will likely guran-freakin-tee you that before nightfall your 14 year old will be dropping it like it’s hot under the bleachers for some random classmate whose last name she may or may not even recall. Kids have a strange habit of getting super interested in all the crap you don’t want them to do, so your best bet would be to have an open conversation about the issue and not go getting all crazy forbiddy and stuff. Crazy forbiddy rarely gets the results you want. Maybe temporarily, you know, until they figure out how to get the nails outta their window and the boot off their car. But then, when they finally get some freedom (aka go to college) they are the chicks pole dancing in the campus pub and showing their bajangas on those Girls Gone Buck-Raving-Nasty-Ho-Bag Wild shows. So make note: anything you forbid sounds to your kid like something exciting, awesome, and grown-up which makes it the exact thing they wanna do.

1. Avoid it. As in don’t bring it up ever and don’t encourage them to bring it up either. No matter how awkward, embarrassed, or silly you feel about it ,it’s better to have the lines of communication open than to shut them down completely. Because the misinformation is out there. People willing to take advantage of their naiveté are out there. And, opportunities to explore are out there. They will find out what they want to know with out without your assistance. And being a member of the abstinence camp doesn’t get you off the hook; you still have to tell them what it is that they are NOT to do. So decide how you feel about it (do you want them to consider wearing one of those no-sex ring thingys?), think up what you wanna say about it (will you start with a joke, show them a video, get a pamphlet?), pick the right time (preferably before they graduate high school), and go for it. Because while having “The Talk” is uncomfortable and hard and possibly embarrassing for both of you, it’s nowhere near as embarrassing as finding out your 12 year old is knocked up or that your 14 year old son is gonna be a baby’s daddy by spring break.

Still need help doing the right thing?

Check out the Midwest Teen Sex Show. It’s hosted by a mom of three boys who has had some pretty interesting experiences. It’s not what you would call sex ed, but it’s certainly informative and funny. And, you all know how I feel about funny.

For a more educational look at sex education, try Puberty from Head to Toe. It’s written by a current health/sex-ed teacher and I’m telling you, I had to Google some of the words she uses, you know just to be certain, for like research purposes or like, something.

Good luck!

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Guide to Surviving the Emergency Room

Welcome to another addition of Mom Tip Tuesday.

A day especially designed to allow me to share what I know with all of you in my ever-changing-but-always-awesome series: “Dumb Mom’s Guide to the Child Centered Universe: helpful tips and tricks for moms with kids so smart they make her look sorta dumb”.

After another frightening eventful crack-head-attended visit to the emergency room this weekend to treat #3, owner of the highest fever ever, I figured I’d share my reluctantly acquired knowledge with all of the first time moms out there who have yet to experience their first trip to the ER with a bloody injured/feverish/hacking-up-a-bloody-lung/screaming-bloody-murder (and yes, pretty much every visit to the ER involves blood) infant or toddler.

So, enjoy today’s edition of Mom Tip Tuesday.

Dumb Mom’s Guide to Visiting the Emergency Room with a Child*

1.  Stop.  Drop.  And Roll.  The first step in making a trip to the ER is deciding if you really need to be there.  Obviously, if you have your toddler in your left hand and his pinky finger in your right, the choice is obvious: saddle up and roll out, or better yet, call 911.  They know what to do with a pinky fingerless two year old and chances are good that, if you are screaming, crying, running, jumping, or shaking your fists at the sky, you do not.  Leave that sorta stuff to the professionals.  But, if your little person is coughing and feverish and not all cracked-lipped and gasping you may find yourself hemming an hawing about what to do.  Go to the ER and pay a $100 copay for them to tell you he has cold?  Or wait it out ‘til morning?  Tough choice.  And here is my advice: trust your instincts.  If this cold “feels different” then it probably is.  Better safe then febrile seizing.  Believe me on this people.  They may not be harmful long term, but they are effing S-C-A-R-Y like nobody’s business.  And I’m talking, screaming, crying, running, jumping, or shaking your fists at the sky, scary.

2.  Be Alert.  Now that you’ve arrived to the ER, you have to be alert at all times.  The ER is a pretty spooky place, friends.  I’m talking antibiotic resistant bacteria, crack-heads-on-the-loose, why-is-that-dude-naked-wrestling-the-cops spooky.  It’s pretty much just like a scene out of a really stereotypical movie featuring stereotypical characters.  Basically this means it’s just a microcosm of the entire US of A.  Actually, it seems a little more frequented by the dregs of society (as for some reason they tend to get into more emergency-room-requiring situations than your everyday citizen), but at some point in every person’s life he or she is going to need the services of an emergency room.  Therefore, on any given Sunday (we actually were there on a Sunday night), you are likely to find the awesome waiting impatiently with the less than awesome members of the community for the one thing we all need to get better: morphine valium Prozac? antibiotics.  Point is, shield your baby (you really never know when your stretcher could be violently pushed into the wall by the meth head they left totally unattended and highly agitated right next to yours), be prepared to fight (the insurance company, the seriously-is-now-the-right-time-for-a-bag-of-Combos complacent triage nurse, or the random line-jumping bystander), and bring you hand sanitizer (for obvious reasons).

3.  Bribe them.  Start with the triage nurses; they hold the key to the ER kingdom.  They are like the evil gatekeepers of the secret controlled substance promise land.  But don’t try to do it with cash (pretty sure it’s immoral if not illegal, plus you can’t afford them).  Instead do it with 1)a pleasant, all be it urgent, attitude, 2)accurate and honest information, and 3)just a little bit of acting.  Let me explain.  I work at the hospital (even spent a year in the ER) and there are a few behaviors that get you pushed to the back of the list.  I’m not saying anyone is gonna let you die because you are a nasty biotch, I’m just saying that the people who come in ranting, raving, falling on the floor, cursing, screaming, and acting like full blown fools generally don’t get taken seriously.  What they do get is treated like the psycho-raving-lunatics they are, and a security escort, in case they need to be “subdued”.  So, if you want to ensure that you and your child are seen promptly and taken seriously, get your facts straight and your emotions under control.  But, a little acting sick doesn’t hurt either.**

4.  Be a good historian.  Time matters when you are dealing with an emergency.  So, make note of the interventions you tried at home, and ensure that you accurately record the time you tried them.  It makes a difference when he had his last dose of Motrin.  And, it does matter if you gave him one or two teaspoons.  Additionally, you need to be honest and comprehensive when sharing your child’s medical history.  A fact that may seem insignificant to you, may be the key the doctor needs to accurately diagnose your little dude.  Remember, you are not a doctor (unless you are) and neither is Goggle.  Give them all of the information so they can get it right.  They still may not, but without the whole truth they don’t really stand a chance.

5.  Calm the hell down.  I can’t say that I listened to  much of what Papa used to tell me as a girl, but he did say two things that I try to always remember in an emergency situation: Pay attention and DON’T PANIC.  Panic helps no one.  It scares your kids.  It causes you to make mistakes.  It entirely prevents #4.  It makes you difficult to deal with.  And it could easily lead to your demise (or your child’s).  So just don’t do it.  Dumb Dad is a panicer.  He doesn’t want to be.  He’s trying to stop.  Lucky for him he has me to keep a level head while he is effing going nutso trying to control himself. 

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P.S.  If you are wondering if the universe is literally trying to kill Dumb Mom rest assured that you are not alone.  I too am questioning exactly how long it will be before I lose the good fight as this week alone I suffered the most painful event since having a baby, a health insurance debacle, a nasty mud-butt-involved virus, and a trip to the ER for an undeniably ill 2 year old.  Go ahead, call me a super mom, I friggin’ deserve it!

*In case any of you are wondering, #3 is presently a-ok, but he was super-duper sick and feverish (104.3) Sunday with  an ear infection.  I.  Know.  Who knew ear infections could even make you have a fever that high?  And, he was a delirious-fever-talking mess.  He saw fairies or angels or something that had him speaking in tongues.  He had the rolling eyes and the twitchy legs and Dumb Mom and Dumb Dad and Pediatrician of the Day were all pretty freaked out

**Babies and young children are usually seen before older people with similar symptoms just because they are more vulnerable so, rest assured, that even if Mimi your mom comes in and goes all Lifeguard (aka crazy-lady-from-the-hood) on them, they will probably still help your kid in a timely manner.

Mom Tip Tuesday. Birthday Parties for Preschoolers

First ever Mom Tip Tuesday so I thought I’d do it right and officially introduce you to Dumb Mom!

I used to write a blog/column/random gathering of meaningless words on the site of my local newspaper. It was called Maybe Mommy’s a Dummy (detect a theme yet?).

Part of that column was Dumb Mom’s Guide to the Universe.

Dumb Mom is an expert on nothing who knows pretty much everything.

She is outsmarted by her kids on a daily basis (hence the name) but she does it in cute shoes, with a friendly smile, and a ridiculously awesome handbag.

She may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but she’s the best dressed.

Which is wasted by being inside of a shed.

Anyway.

She knows what she’s talking about for the most part so listen up and you will survive.

Motherhood never looked so easy, or cute, or fashionable.

You are welcome.

In light of upcoming events I’ve decided to make this week’s tip about birthdays for children.

Specifically, birthdays for a whole butt load of rowdy, hard to manage children who are not quite or just barely five.

Enjoy!

Dumb Mom’s Guide to Planning a Preschool Birthday Party

1. Face the facts. Fact one: you don’t really like other people’s kids. Fact two: even if you did like other people’s kids, you don’t like other people’s kids all at the same time. Fact three: you are crazy. It’s difficult to like children in groups because all of their unlikeable attributes are magnified. They are louder, and meaner, and more energetic than when you are with them alone. Plus, for whatever reason, when groups of kids get together some parents take that as the perfect opportunity to ignore their own horribly behaved difficult to be around even in small doses child. It’s like they assume the know it all mom whoever is in charge of the party is also in charge of their child. Get your mind right. It will suck, but you are crazy so in the end it will be worth it.

2. Buy booze. And drink it. Definitely before, if possible during, and immediately after the party. Just be sure to drink vodka or something else that won’t make you smell like a winery. You know how moms like to talk and before you know it you will be the Ms. Hannigan of the preschool.*

3. Bribery. Always works. Every situation. Believe me when I say this: money talks. Even louder than kids hopped up on sugar and life. This means that there are people who make their living hosting parties for hard to manage groups of children just like the one you have in mind. You can go to their special designed, brightly colored, kid-friendly place and they will make magic. You don’t have to make magic all alone. If you have cash you can hire people to make it for you. This is why I sell myself to anyone interested in buying work, for the necessities in life that people just shouldn’t be asked to live without.

4. Invite the whole class. I used to get all annoyed at this mandate some schools have in place. Before I had kids in school I was a huge get-used-to-exclusion-and-rejection-it’s-a-part-of-life kinda girl. But one of my children had the unfortunate experience of not being invited to the birthday party of his alleged best friend and then, he had to sit and listen while the confirmed best friends discussed the party in his presence. He was crushed. He had questions. And the only answer I could come up with was, “Well, Dude, some people suck and the fact that they do just makes us look more awesome.” Okay, I didn’t actually say that, but I totally wanted to. I still don’t think this is a necessary requirement for school aged children, but for preschoolers, in a classroom with only 10 children (only 4 of which were boys) would it have been so horrible to invite them all? Possibly I would have declined because the site of his mother made me ill, but still, my little dude would have been able to say that he was invited and couldn’t go because his mommy mysteriously came down with the shingles (or some other sudden, random, and completely faked ailment), as opposed to thinking, and feeling, and having everyone believe that he wasn’t invited because he wasn’t cool. Invite them all, the ones whose mommies are jerkwads probably won’t come anyway.

5. Say thanks. I know I skipped right over the actual party element, but that’s because I covered that in the first three tips: realize it’s hopeless, show up drunk, and pay some perky high school chick to do all the hard stuff. All that’s covered. It’s after the party that people tend to forget. You know, once you’re home and sobered up, and your hangover has worn off, and your kid has broken 65% of all of his new stuff. That’s the time that repeatedly gets neglected. And, I’d like to argue that next to having a banging cake, this is the most important element: the THANK YOU CARDS. Yes, your child needs to send them (or watch you send them) so that he understands that having a party and getting gifts is not compulsory. It is a benefit of mommy bribing people and having nosy friends who want to talk about her inability to make quality goody bags privilege. Every child doesn’t get them. Every person that came didn’t have to. And bringing gifts is optional (although just good etiquette). Learn to be thankful and people will love you, or at least pretend to.

Now, wish me luck at #2’s Super Sweet 5 Birthday Party we are hosting on Thursday (his actual birthday is tomorrow which explains the St. Patty's Day inspired header) Bounce-a-roo center in my hood. Should be a blast.

*Due to the bum kidneys I'm not a huge lush myself. I have my moments (which some of you have been lucky enough to witness first hand), but I'm not gonna be at the Oscars with my flask George Clooney style. The suggestion to drink is for those of you who turn to booze as an answer to your problems...you know who you are. Don't worry I don't judge.

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