I'm not talking haha-that's-funny-you-so-crazy crazy either.
I'm talking get-away-from-me-you-psycho-raving-wack-a-do-you-are-CRAZY! crazy.
Somehow, people in both of the above mentioned groups get jobs.
Go figure.
I was at work the other day. Minding my own business while attempting to find something worthy of stuffing my face with.
I found myself in the most unlikely place to satisfy such a need: the work cafeteria.
Everyone has had an experience with the "crazy cafeteria lady".
It's like a given that any reasonably sized, hair net requiring establishment be equipped with such an individual.
You know, like the Seinfeld soup Nazi dude.
Well, my place of occasional employment has one (actually, we get the unique privilege of having like three) of these avoid-at-all-costs-make-your-choice-and-get-out-quick-when-she's-in-the-back type people.
Funny thing, is that she's not necessary to avoid at all times, just most of the time. But, if you can catch her on the right day, at just the right time, under the right re-warming lights, and just the right amount of grease fire exhaust, she's really not so bad.
I mean, other than the fact that I'm pretty sure she swallowed a bullhorn (or some other type of unnatural voice amplification device), she can be down right nice. And, funny.
But, I guess I caught her on an off day.
Or, maybe I caught her on an on day.
Either way, it was a bad day for me when I approached the counter (with an audience of waiting patrons behind me) and before I could decide between the chicken ala nasty a** and the country fried surprise she says (in her loudest Redskins' stadium announcer voice), "Hey, Girl, where you gets that mustache?!"
I mistakenly assumed that a) she wasn't talking to me, and/or b)that if she were, then, at the very least, that was a rhetorical question not requiring my response.
I was incorrect.
And, instead of taking a cue from my horror-stricken-OMG-please-say-you-are-kidding face and moving on she continued with, "Yeah, Girl, I sees it. You has a big ole mustache! Oh, dat's funny."
Seriously, I'm dying here lady, and the fact that you're smiling like an effing Cheshire cat doesn't make it better, it only makes it worse because I'm not sure if you're being intentionally evil or if you're really just that unintentionally stupid.
Either way. Not. Cool.
But, she can't stop. Even though I am essentially dumbstruck into an unnatural frozen silence, she goes on, "Dat's cute. I gots me one too, lookit. Mines is just like yours, all dark. Dat's cool. What chu want to eat?"
No ma'am. It most certainly is not cool.
And, you having one doesn't make it okay, it makes it suck even more.
And, when did my personal appearance become an approved topic of discussion for the hair netted, gingham printed shirt wearing, plastic glove clad set? Is nothing sacred?
And, don't try to hustle me through the line now with your smiling, mustached face.
I hate you and your nasty, a** flavored chicken.
As my fellow cafeteria patrons snickered and/or laughed out loud I proceeded to get the pudding and slink back to my unit, but not before she attempted to engage me a conversation about my kids and whether I'd like to put them in a dance crew which apparently only requires the skill of looking cute, while dancing skill is totally unnecessary (just let me leave).
Thing is, I'm totally aware of my "situation" and I'm used to having the crazy nail shop ladies trying to upsale me on a lip wax when I go in for a brow shape up. You know, that's cool, that's their job, and they at least wait until we're in that dingy back room with the door shut and only the dirty pillow to hear their heavy handed suggestions.
I get it. I need my lip waxed and I've done it before, but it hurts like hell and I always look like Marge Simpson afterward so I try not to do it that often.
But, apparently, it's gotten out of hand, to the point that nonprofessionals are getting involved.
So, in answer to the beauty consultant turned cafeteria maven and Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop for the week, here is my favorite summer craft: Making Homemade Face Wax!
Ingredients: sugar, honey, corn syrup, lemon juice (not sure how much of each, but I guess we want it to be sticky)
Directions: Microwave ingredients until they melt together, but don't boil. Add a little lemon juice and stir while it's hot to add a cleansing quality (some mumbo jumbo about lemon acid killing bacteria, yeah, right). Once cool, powder the area you will wax, then spread the wax across the area. Use a cloth to remove the wax or pull it off with your fingers when it dries.
Voila!
Hair free awesomeness.
And, since she more than deserves it. Here is this week's Thank You Thursday card.
Thank you, and you're welcome!
Card reads: Pretty sure you can see it this week. No explanation required.
